The Big Picture.

If I decided to take a step back from my life and looked at everything as one big picture, my eyes would see happiness, regrets, smiles, crying, laughing, anger, so many close friends, loneliness at times, and so many other things. But no matter what I've lost or gained, I wouldn't change a thing. The things that have happened to me have made me who I am today. I've learned from falls. I've learned how to get back up. I'm not saying that I've always wanted to get back up, but I'm still here today. There are still times that I feel so overwhelmed and hurt. There are times when I'm filled with so much doubt and I feel as if I'm completely alone as I watch everything fall apart. Then, there are also times that I feel so passionate about something. I feel unstoppable. Life simply has it's up's and down's. Life has times when it's the most wonderful thing, but then there are also times when life just pretty much sucks. For me, music is the way I learned to cope with things. As much as I hate to admit, I've done some pretty stupid stuff. I've said tons of things I shouldn't have. I used to get so angry that I would punch walls and get my hands all cut up and bloody. I've done other things that I'm so ashamed of that I won't tell anyone unless I've known them for a while. For some reason though, I've come to find out that playing music, or just listening to it can calm me. If I'm sad, it can seem to take my pain away. Different types of music have different effects on me. My friends will always have my back, and I would die for any one of them at any given moment. I always have God as well. Even though I've always grown up in the church, I've had my doubts. I still have moments where I feel as if I don't know what's real. I honestly can't remember the last time that I've given myself to God during worship. Sure, I play guitar at church. Sure, I go to church every Sunday and Wednesday. That doesn't mean that I've worshiped. And just thinking and talking about this now makes me sad. It hurts me. And it also makes me angry with myself. I used be the kid who always seemed to have the right answers. I used to be the kid who always gave advice that had a Bible verse attached. Somewhere along the way, things changed. I ran into obstacles that changed me. God never changed. He's still the same powerful being that He's always been. I'm still struggling, but I want to get back to the heart of worship. Something's keeping me from just breaking down and running back to Him. It's something within myself that I need to change. I have this ring that I always wear. It says "Faith" on it. It used to be such a comfort to look at everyday. Now, it just serves as a reminder of everything I'm doing wrong. I want to change it, but I can't really figure out how to restart my relationship with God. I still wear the ring. It still hurts, but I still wear it. Everyday.

This was probably just a bunch of personal ranting that no one wants to read, but I feel as if I needed to type this out. Get it out in the open. Maybe this is the first step back to being on the right track. Who knows.

I love you,

Bek