DISCLAIMER: The following post is extremely personal. The only reason I am posting this is to hopefully use this as a way of conquering my fears and obstacles. You may already know these things about me – if you do, you should be proud that I’m willing to finally try to come to terms with it by means other than keeping everything to myself. Lately, I’ve been starting to try to pray about things more and talk about things more to a certain extent. It’s been weird and hard for me, but I have to do this. Ultimately, I am doing this for myself.
There are numerous things in this world that I can’t describe.
For example, I can’t describe the way that my best friend can make me completely melt. She has the most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen in my life and staring at them can make my heart stop, I swear. I feel like God place her directly in my life, and I am thankful for her every day. Without a word, she can make me feel as if I’m somewhere else. She makes me want to be the best that I could possibly be and more. I hope you know who you are. If you don’t, then I’m a terrible friend.
There are just some things that I can’t explain.
No matter how many times I delete these sentences or reword them, I can’t relay what’s inside my mind.
I wish that I could just pop both you and me into my mind and give you a personal tour.
Ever since I was a little kid, I LOVED being outside. The only strictly “indoor” activity that I could concentrate on was solving puzzles. Any kind. Like jigsaw puzzles and junk. I started doing puzzles at a really early age, and I could easily finish a 1,000 piece puzzle by the time I was 9 or 10. Most of the time, however, I would much, much rather be outside running around than locked away inside somewhere reading a book.
When I read, unless it’s my “type” of book, I can’t concentrate. At all. I can read the same page fifty bazillion times and still have no idea what the main character’s name is. When I take notes, I normally have to be playing with something. My hands will always be folding origami or twirling a pen or playing with my rings. I hardly ever actually take notes. I can normally just listen to a lecture and absorb information by asking questions and making eye contact with my teachers.
Yes, I just rambled about something that was somewhat random. I actually do this a lot when I try to write blog posts. Truthfully, I delete about half of the paragraphs/words in my posts because they don’t pertain to the topic at hand. I don’t know why I let myself write them to begin with. I just kind of get carried away I guess. You can ask my closest friends. I’ll talk in circles all day if you let me. I’ll analyze everything and try to find a logical explanation for everything.
I literally just got up and walked out of my room… only to wonder what I was doing. I’m not sure what just happened. Trust me, my attention span is actually way smaller than you think. I’m such a kid at heart; it’s not even funny.
Okay. Focus, Becky. Come on, Bee. Focus. Whew. Anyways:
When I take tests… I pretty much die inside. My mind blanks completely. I start to get really nervous. My eyes have trouble focusing. My heart rate shoots up. I feel like I’m going to explode inside. I can’t sit still. I fidget and tap my pencil and shake my leg and drive myself insane. I sometimes start to sweat or breathe weird. It’s actually extremely embarrassing. I feel like I’m going to cry or run around or scream. Even just thinking about it now, I’m starting to feel anxious. I apologize if my sentences are run-ons or grammatically confusing. Anytime I take a test at school or work on something that requires concentration, I normally always have headphones in.
Why? Because music is my therapist.
This is the part that I can’t explain very well. For some reason, music has always been a calming factor in my life. Whether I’m playing it or listening to it, my mind calms down. I can literally spend hours just playing music by myself. Even if it’s just repetitively playing a passage from a difficult concerto on my violin to get it perfect, I’m patient. I can go for quite a long time without ever saying a word -- as long as I’m playing something. It’s as if music can stop time for me. Whenever I play music, I become myself. Not what anyone else says or thinks I should be. I’m ME. And just me. I create what I feel inside. All of the words and feelings that are trapped inside flow out. If you ever want to feel what’s inside my heart, just ask me to play something for you. It doesn’t matter on what instrument, you can feel me. I promise. This probably sounds strange, but it’s true. You can tell. According to other people, there’s a certain way that I act/look when I’m playing music. I would honestly die without music.
My mind is a contradicting paradox. I either notice everything … or I’m so busy/distracted that I can’t remember anything. Allow me to explain.
When I was a kid, I remember a specific event that happened at the church my dad used to pastor in Korea. Someone called my mother asking her to come to the children’s nursery right away. I, of course, followed.
When we got there, this lady was freaking out. She explained that there was a small needle that had gotten lost in the nursery. Most of the kids were barefoot, and she was starting to worry that someone would get hurt.
To this day, I honestly can’t tell you what else she said. I know that that sounds awful, and I would never do something like this if it were to happen in the present. As she started to explain what had happened, I tuned her out. Why? My eyes had already scanned the entire room -- and found the needle. I searched all the logical places it could be. It was lying about 10 feet away from where we were all standing. I remember pointing at it and loudly declaring, “MOM, I FOUND IT.” I’m pretty sure that I cut off the lady mid-sentence, but like I said, I have no idea what she was even saying.
From where we were standing, my mom and the lady couldn’t see it. They thought I was trying to be dumb. So, I walked over and picked it up. “SEE, I TOLD YOU, MOM. 서희 DO GOOD. …may I get some ice cream now?”
I could probably tell you things about yourself that you’ve never noticed. I remember things that happen or stuff that people tell me -- and for some reason, they’re shocked whenever I repeat it back to them a long time after they’ve forgotten that they told me to begin with. It’s both a blessing and a curse. I remember details that others don’t even notice. Even if it’s something I just happen to glance at, I can tell you everything that was there. I construct a picture in my mind. Even when I’m trying to sort things out logically, I can close my eyes and build it in my head. I can scatter my notes around the room and walk around from sheet to sheet. I’ll not only learn what was on the pages, but I will usually memorize where exactly each sentence was located. Don’t get me wrong though. I know for a fact that I’m not perfect. And my mind is definitely FAR from perfect.
ON THE OTHER HAND, there are times where I feel like I’m about to explode. My mind is restless. I can’t seem to focus on anything. If you feel like I’m having a hard time focusing, the best way to snap me out of it is by grabbing my face and forcing me to make eye contact with you. Because if I truly am zoned out… I won’t notice the things around me. I’m like a little kid, I’m telling you. Especially when it comes to sleeping at night. There is just so much on my mind. I can’t sleep at night anymore. Even if I “head to bed” at like 9:00, I won’t actually be asleep til about 2:00. Every night. I’m seriously not exaggerating.
BUT, the explanation for all of that is another post for another day. I’ve already rambled on too much. So yes, this post was pointless. I’ll post a more “thought-provoking” piece soon. I just did this because I had too much on my mind, and I figured I might as well talk about something useless.
Oh look! A cow!
-Becky
