Please don't read this.

Seriously, you will lose respect for me if you read this. Don't ask me why I posted this. I have no idea.

Why are you still reading this?! Fine, you know what, go ahead. Read this. No, wait, I take that back...

Anyways:

College.

God, I would love to go simply one hour without hearing that word.

That’s all I seem to hear nowadays. College. Future. Plan. Acceptance.

I’ve literally spent over 8 hours sitting in the same room. I’m supposed to be studying, filling out applications, and writing essays. What have I been doing instead? … absolutely nothing.

I’ve left the room exactly three times. Twice to go to the bathroom, which is actually in the connected office next door, and once to walk around outside and to go get some food, even though I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted an excuse to not think about anything else.

I tried to clear my head by listening to music, which I am STILL DOING. 8 hours later.

I tried to draw to get some motivation. I literally silently sat and stared at a blank piece of paper for over two hours. THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS COME TO.

I paced around the same spot like I usually do when I’m deep in thought trying to absorb information. Nothing. I laid on the ground and stared at the ceiling. Still nothing.

I have SO MUCH that I need to be doing… that it makes me want to do absolutely nothing. Does that even makes sense? You know what, at this point, I don’t even care whether I make any sense or not. I just want to eat lots of ice cream, watch a bazillion chick flicks, and cry. Just… cry.

To clarify, I’ve been at my dad’s office all day. I didn’t even venture into the hallways. Why? Because then everyone and their mom would ask what my plans for my life were. I’ve known most of these pastors and professors since I was born. They’ve watched me grow up, and now THEY ALL KNOW THAT I’M A SENIOR.

Am I honestly supposed to have my whole life figured out – even though I’m only sixteen? It seems like a bit much.

STOP READING THIS.

So to those who are curious:

No, I don’t know where I’m going to college yet.

No, I don’t know what I want to freaking major in. (And if I don’t know what to major in, what in the world would make you think that I know what I want my career to be?)

No, I haven’t even applied anywhere.

No, I’m probably not even going to college.

Yes, I am aware that I am Asian and will shortly be disowned.

Yes, I am also aware that I have consumed way too much caffeine today.

Yes, that is chocolate on my face. DON’T JUDGE ME.

Yes, I have accepted the fact that I probably won’t be able to reach my dreams.

No, I have not been studying like I should have been.

No, you may not wipe the chocolate off my face.

Yes, I still refuse to stay in Cleveland.

Yes, I am a big girl and will be fine without your stupid Kleenex to wipe my pathetic tears with.

SO... WHY ARE YOU STILL READING?!

The fact is, I’m graduating. Whether I like it or not, the future is coming. But you know what? Yeah, I wasted today. I completely wasted it. But tomorrow is right around the corner. And I’m not going to waste it. Today allowed me to sort through a lot of things. And no matter how hard things get, I can’t give up. I can’t just quit. I have too many people who expect things out of me. I expect even more out of myself. So, I’m going to give until there’s nothing left to give.

Normally, I’m afraid to admit that I’m trying. Why? Because then you would know whether or not I failed. If no one knows that I’m trying, then no one will know if I fall on my face. Yes, it’s a stupid way of thinking. BUT, it’s MY way of thinking. Disappointment is the worst end result possible. But NO. I’m facing my fears of falling. So yeah, I’m going to openly try from now on. Maybe it’s too late to get the results that I want, but I’m still going to push forward.

So, I hope you’ll watch me. And if you see me trip and collapse, I hope you’ll help me get back up. I hope you’ll keep pushing me until I can stand up by myself again. I never ask for help because I don’t want to be a burden to others, but I am now asking for your help. I need help. I simply cannot do this on your own.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my senior year, it’s that I need God. I cannot do anything without him.

I’m always like, “Okay, God. I really need you. Yeah, I totally cannot do this without you.” BUT, then I turn around and try to have full control of the situation. I try to get the outcome to match my selfish wants, not what He has planned for me. And God has patiently showed me time and time again that I never trust Him. I never have 100% faith in Him. My words contradict my action over and over again.

So, as you can clearly see, I have a lot of things to work on. Why am I blogging about all of this? Because if I keep it inside, I’ll explode. So... I'm... going to shut up and go work on my essays now.

I can't believe that you read this. Even after I said not to! Don't deny it. You're still reading. Go do something productive. And NO, making fun of me is not considered productive.

PUSH me. I DARE you.

NOTE: Remember, I draw these pictures with my THUMB. So don't judge me.

My older sister and I have ALWAYS been inseparable.

Don't laugh. It's true.

We either did everything together like twins.....

or we were passionately beating the living Asian out of each other --

and it took all of my mother's strength to pull us apart.

My sister has always pushed me "to do better".

Both figuratively and literally.

For example, she would PUSH me to confront my fear of heights...

by PUSHING me out of a tree.

I'm still not sure how that was supposed to help me.

And FYI, if a little girl is terrified of clowns, the WORST thing you can do is push her into a clown.

To everyone else, a clown looks like this:

To ME, a clown looks like this:

See the difference? Yeah.

In life, some people need to be PUSHED. They need that extra "motivation" before they actually act upon a thought.

Obviously, there is a ginormous difference between self-determination and motivation from an outside source.

SO, if you're the type of person who needs to be told to take action, then consider this blog post to be your PUSH. This blog post is also for myself. There are a lot of things on my mind that I need to figure out... and I hope that this will be the beginning of the end of my problems.

I know that I still have my whole life ahead of me... but this is how it starts. What I do today affects how tomorrow starts and where it goes. The present can mend the past and set up the future.

Don't waste today thinking about what you'll do tomorrow.

Tomorrow will always eventually become today.

Everyone has SOMETHING that they need to realize.

They're a difference between knowing what your dream should be and actually pursuing your dream. Just because someone has a call doesn't mean that he/she will answer it.

If you want something, GO GET IT. Don't just watch it with a heavy heart. The worst thing that you can say is nothing at all. Does that even make sense? Oh well. It doesn't matter. Life itself doesn't always make sense, but that doesn't mean that it stops or that time slows down.

And if something is simply out of your reach, then maybe it wasn't meant for you in the first place. I personally believe that God has an amazing plan for each and every person. I often wrestle with the thought of being a part of a bigger picture. I feel so blind and lost at times. I beg for light and guidance. I feel so alone and torn.

But I know that God is always here. God never said that our journeys would be easy. In face, he said quite the opposite.

Sometimes... you just love and treasure something or someone so much that you're willing to do everything to make sure that it or he/she is happy. Even if it means that you sacrifice a part of yourself. You give yourself away for the sake of something or someone else.

"If you love something, set it free. If it loves you too, it'll come back."

I both agree and disagree with this statement:

I agree in the sense that if you truly loved someone, you wouldn't try to control him/her or force him/her to act/feel a certain way.

I disagree, because if you love something with all of your heart... the LAST thing you want to do is let it go.

I agree that letting go can be a test of true feelings.

I disagree, because the perfect moment may not happen again.

Do you see this? I can't even agree with myself. That's how hard it is to define statements like this. Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion.

I can encourage you to do or choose certain things, but I can't actually choose anything for you.

The moment you decide to act in the present -- the moment you decide what to do by yourself, you have succeeded. What happens after that may vary, the the initial leap of action is the same. YOU decided. YOU chose, not anyone else. When you become free, you start to live.

One of my favorite speakers of all time said this to me (along with 500 + other girls):

"There is a saying out there that says, 'There is no time like the present.' If I could, I would change that statement to, 'There is no time but the present.' This is how we must live." - Amy Piper

I hope that you will hold this statement close to your heart like I do. I more than likely interpret this quote differently than you do. HOWEVER, it can still serve a purpose. It can still inspire you. It can mold itself to fit within your life.

I know that I'm just a teenage girl, but I'm always here for you -- no matter who you are.

This One's for the Girls...

DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a funny story. I’m sorry if you’re disappointed. I’ll be sure to post an amusing story (with pictures, of course) later. Soon.

SECOND DISCLAIMER: As previously mentioned, this post is specifically for the ladies.

Love.

Yes, it’s a word. It’s also a feeling. A killer. A life-saver. All you think about… and the LAST thing you want to think about.

Lately, it’s also been a phrase that’s been getting thrown around more and more.

So, I think I should put my thoughts about it on the internet. Because that’s totally the most subtle thing to do. Right? Right. (Wrong.)

Regardless, I’m going to address it. To a certain extent.

Just a few minutes ago, I was chatting with one of my friends on Skype. We went from talking about Hugh Jackman… to discussing the “L word”. In less than a minute. (Which is weird I know, but to be fair, she brought it up.)

She simply asked, “Oh Becky Becky! Have you ever been in love?”

I let my fingers hover over the keys for a few moments before I replied.

My answer? “Honestly?... I don’t know.”

I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. I think there are different types of infatuation and love, but I don’t think I’ve ever IN LOVE. I personally believe that true love is something that you never fall out of. Now don’t get me wrong, just because you’re in “true love” doesn’t mean that everything will work out.

Love is a privilege that you have to work at. Any single thing out there that is worth effort should take all of your energy. The more you work at it, the better it’ll seem.

I think that “love” is one of those thing that if you have to ask yourself whether you’re in it or not… you definitely aren’t. It’s one of those thing that if you’re in it… you’ll know. You know?

Girls, I know that our hearts are fragile. Even if you pretend like it isn’t.

At the same time, our hearts can take a lot more than you can imagine.

For starters, girls have the ability to watch an endless amount of chick flicks. Guys are tough, right? Sure. So, if the majority of guys out there can barely make it through a single chick flick, but we can watch as many as possible – does that make us manlier than them? …

Switching gears:

If a boy doesn’t call you back… you won’t die. Sure, the amount of ice cream in your fridge might decrease significantly – but you won’t die. I promise. (Unless you eat WAY too much ice cream. Don’t do that.)

Also, if you are single – it’s not the end of the world. Yeah, being single suck. A LOT. But the truth is, so far, all of us have spent the majority of our lives being single. You did not pop out of your mother’s womb seeking a boyfriend. NO, you popped out crying for air. And food. And other things that are ESSENTIAL for living.

If a boy breaks your heart, I have duct tape to fix it… along with two perfectly good fists to deck him in the face.

I know it’s not my place to say whether or not you have been in love. Love is a different experience for everyone.

But LOVE should be an intimate, mutual gift that is shared between two people. “Love” that is being driven only one way is not LOVE. It’s called an obsession. And will normally lead to unhealthy stalking and/or a lot of trips to the closest Redbox.

In MY opinion, love is not defined by how much something makes you smile. Or how often you think about something.

EXAMPLE:

Cake makes me smile.

My mother makes me smile.

If you’re reading this, YOU more than likely make me smile.

AND,

I think about cake a lot (because I’m a fat kid. Don’t judge me.)

I also think about my mom a lot.

And I think about YOU a lot.

BUT I’m not “in love” with any of those things. That would be wrong and gross. There are simply different levels of love and infatuation. And I think that people often mistake infatuation with true love. True love is the deepest concept that exists.

Love is not a selfish thing that only one person should get to experience. It should be something that two people build together.

So if you’re sitting here reading this and trying to figure out whether you’ve ever been in love – I don’t think you have. (I apologize if that’s out of line, but I’m not deleting it.)

True love exists when no matter what the consequences are or what other people might think, you can’t let someone go.

DON’T GET ME WRONG, I’m not talking about if a girl really, really “loves” a guy but he “just doesn’t get it” or “doesn’t realize how perfect you would be together” or “just doesn’t see it at the moment”.

That’s not love. That’s infatuation. (And can get a bit creepy.) Love should not be something that makes you have an unhealthy lifestyle. Being in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way will slowly wear you down. Love should build you up. It shouldn’t make you hate yourself or things about yourself. It shouldn’t make you wish that you were different. It should make you embrace the things about you, especially the amazing things that someone else finds wonderful. It shouldn’t make you change yourself to fit into a mold. You and your special person should create a mold together that fits everything that you two need it to hold.

And sure, things can change. Sure, this guy that consumes your mind might one day feel the same way. But until that mutual feeling is reached together, it’s not LOVE. So quit abusing the word.

I’m wrong? Fine. Go with me for a second:

Let’s say that even if he doesn’t feel the same way, you still think you’re “in love” with him and can’t possible “love” him any more than you do at that moment. BUT what would happen if he started to feel the same way about you? Then what, you fall into “double love”? No, that’s silly.

Love is not forced. It’s a choice. A commitment.

People often say that you do crazy things when you’re in love. You don’t do crazy things because you lose your sense of logic. You do crazy things when the person makes you feel emotions that you never even knew you could feel. You feel so much that you become invincible. That’s when consequences don’t seem to be so big. All those chick flick moments where they do crazy things, but it all works out? Those moments are following this concept.

Love is priceless.

When you’re in love, you can’t lose in the sense that you’re able to overcome any worldly loss.

In English, there is one word to describe this type of feeling: love.

So for me personally, I’m not going to claim that I’ve fallen in love with someone until I honestly think that I can’t feel anything more for a certain person – and that person feels the same way back.

I don’t even want to go back and count how many times I’ve typed the word “love” today. It’s ridiculous how many times a day that the poor word gets used.

This whole post is more than likely completely out of line. This is coming from a 16-year-old girl who claims that she’s never been in love. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me. In fact, I doubt that a single person out there agrees with me. This is simply my opinion. My thoughts. My feelings. My heart on the internet.

So ladies, keep smiling your beautiful smiles. And if you don’t find love, it’ll find you. If people out there can’t see how wonderful you are and appreciate you and love you, they don’t even deserve to know your first name.

Love love love,

Becky

The love of my life at the moment: