Don't read this if you're smiling. Seriously.
It's all of the little things in life.
It's the things that slowly pass by... but seem to be gone in a blink when you look back.
The closer graduation gets... the more I'm starting to look back. And blink.
Whenever my grandmother came to visit for Christmas, along with almost EVERYONE else on my mom's side, my heart broke. The grandma who used to babysit my sisters and I, the one who would make us laugh, the one who was once invincible -- walked into our house using a cane. All like 17 of us watched her walk in. For the first time in my life, I saw my grandmother with a cane. She was also being supported by my uncle. I wanted her to hug me and pick me up like she used to... but she couldn't. I wanted to rush to her and completely tackle in her in a huge bear hug since I hadn't seen her in a few years, but I couldn't. Instead, I just watched silently as she slowly came into our house. I bit my lip so I wouldn't cry like an idiot. I waited for her to approach me. My mom gently pushed me forward and said, "Mom, this is Suh-Hee." It killed me inside when I saw my grandmother's face light up. She couldn't believe that I was this tall and that I was so pretty and that I was taller and that I was so grown up now and that I was taller and that she barely recognized me and that I was taller. (...Is it seriously shocking people that I'm over 5 feet now?)
I waited for her to walk over to me and give me a hug. I lightly hugged her at first. One of those gentle, awkward, barely touching hugs. I felt like she was a new born baby that I had to delicately handle. Then, much to my surprise. She crushed me. She held me so tight. It's like it was God's way of letting me know, "Yes, there's still a tiger fighting inside of her. She's still here." I let a couple tears escape as I hugged her back more firmly. I know I sound like a sap. But shut up. I love my family. I would do anything for them. Honest.
Throughout her stay, however, it was apparent that time had taken its toll. She rested a lot more than I remembered in the past. She couldn't go out with us a few of the times because it would have been too much for her. She asked the same question over and over throughout each day. She asked me questions as if I were still in middle school. For dinner on Christmas night, my grandmother said a prayer. As she prayed, I couldn't help but start crying. My grandmother and mother have always been such strong prayer warriors, and that was something that was obviously never going to change. People that my mom have prayed for will tell you stories that will blow you away. Like legit. As my grandmother prayed that evening, I silently shed a few tears. I felt like a fool -- until I looked up at the end, that is. Turns out that I'm not the only one who cried. Go figure.
I'm gonna stop talking about my grandma now so that I don't cry again. That would be like the third time today.
My father. My dear father. The man who has been helping me with my college applications.
He's changed. Obviously. I mean, yes. We all have changed. But I realized today just how much he's changed. I've spent all morning with him in his office -- like I used to when I was a kid. I used to get so super excited about tagging along. I would even figure out ways to sneak past my mom so that I could go to work with my dad. My dad would laugh and "lie" to my mom and I ducked in the backseat. My mom would just give the look and my dad would shrug.
I used to grab my dad's legs when he tried to go on business trips. My dad's normally in the country for about half of the year, at the most. Anyways, I used to cry whenever my dad was gone. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night unless I climbed into my mom's bed. Which I did this past time that he was gone.... IT WAS ONE TIME, OKAY? I LOVE MY MOM. DON'T JUDGE ME.
Anyways, sitting here, I notice that my dad looks... tired. Kind of like my grandma. His hair looks grayer, thinner. He sighs a lot more often than I remember. He picks up his paper, squints at it, then puts on his glasses. He used to have perfect vision and never need glasses. He used to sneak me chocolate while he worked... now he tells me to quit stealing all his candy because I'll get obese. (Thanks, Dad.) I used to hide under his desk and pop out to scare him... now I'm afraid I'll make his heart stop. Right now, he reminds me of the old man from Up. He's got a sweater-vest thing, and he just looks sad. He's slightly hunched over. He's tired. He's slower. He's got more things pressing on his heart now. I can feel the burden on him... and it hurts. My dad and I have had our differences and struggles over the years, and still do, but at the end of the day, he's my dad. And nothing will change that.
There's no way that your heart doesn't melt at that.
It's like the beginning of the movie when the old man's entire life passes by in about 10 minutes. It breaks my heart. I look at the pictures around my dad's office. Pictures of me wearing my dad's graduation robe and hat that's too big for me. Pictures of Phoebe with the Easter bunny. Pictures of my mom holding Pris when she was first born. Pictures of my mom and dad peaking around opposite sides of the same tree on their wedding day, smiling. Time flies. And never stops. People leave. People change. I'm leaving soon, hopefully. I'll grow. I'll learn. But I'll always be my parents' baby. I'll always be my grandmother's little President/Boss/Captain, as she calls me. And I'll always be God's daughter.
Lastly,
I'll forever be myself. I promise. I love you.
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