Letting Go of Myself

DISCLAIMER: If you read blogs for the sake of being entertained, skip this one. No, seriously. If you read to learn about gossip and who-hates-who, don’t even go past this sentence. I really won’t be offended if you don’t read this one. (You know that I can’t actually tell whether or not you read my stuff, right?) If you are one of those people who read blogs out of boredom, then you should REALLY skip this one. If you aren’t serious about certain things, you’ll despise this post and think it’s stupid. I am well aware that the majority, if not all, of the people who read this will think that I am pathetic (and that this entire blog is pointless). I don’t care. This has been trapped inside of me long enough.

SECOND DISCLAIMER: Anytime I use the words “you”, “we”, “us”, or etc., I am more than likely actually referring to myself. You’ll see what I mean.

So, all disclaimers aside… I see that you’re still reading. I hope that this means you genuinely want to read this. Don’t force yourself to read something just for the sake of reading it. This is something that has been on my heart. I won’t sleep until I finally type all of this out.

Now. This is my question to you:

How did we end up here?

This is something I continue to ask myself a lot. Here represents the place where you don’t want to be. For every person, here can mean something different. For me, here represents the hole that I recede to in my life (mainly referring to my spiritual life). It’s a hole that I can easily fall into but can’t just hop out of. Sometimes I feel trapped and hopeless... so I quit fighting. Or, if I do decide to try to escape, here is the place that I cry out from with tears streaming down my face. I get down on my knees and give all that I have to pleading for help and forgiveness. Here is a place built with insecurities and hurt. It’s very walls are made out of fear and scars. I don’t know what exactly it’s like for you, but I’m sure that you get the general gist of it.

Here’s the thing:

We don’t get here by accident.

It’s not like, “Oh! Dear me, I accidentally tripped into this giant hole of depression and fear. Silly me, I’m such a klutz! Hehehe, whoops!” No, that’s ridiculous. Like a famous Casting Crown song says:

“… It's a slow fade when you give yourself away

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray

Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade…”

We get to this place that we loathe and fear through choices that we make. They’re not necessarily monumental decisions either, even though they could be. All of the little compromises that we make in our daily lives build up to this. All of the sins that we commit, whether big or small, hang on to us. They drag us down… and here’s the kicker, we let them. We let ourselves be completely consumed by this world. We choose our words and actions, and they can be detrimental.

It’s like we slowly let ourselves wear down and spiral further and further from where we should be… and we don’t seem to notice until we’re so far from our starting point that we feel lost. It’s like by the time we finally look up to see where we are, we feel hopeless. We start to say things that we normally wouldn’t say. We do things that hurt ourselves or others who care about us. We change. We block people out. We block God out. We become a hollowed out person who feels like he/she is a lost cause. We do things that we regret. We numb ourselves… then we become desperate to feel something. Anything.

We lose sight of the truth. We start to believe whatever we need to in order to get to tomorrow. We fight everyday, just to see the light of the next morning. We cry. We give up.

But God never gives up. He never leaves us.

I know that those two sentences are easier to accept and agree with when things are easy. But those statements are always true. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of my struggles in life, it’s that God is here. In that place where you feel completely alone and hopeless, God is holding you close. When you cry, God is there catching your tears. He is the voice of truth. In all of the chaos, he stands strong and resolute. When you can’t stand, He holds you up. This world will fade away, but God will always reign over everything. The things that nothing in this world can give you… God can. I can honestly say that the moments that I’ve been the happiest in my life were moments where I felt God.

The next question we ask ourselves is:

How do we get out of here?

Now, this is where I think I go wrong most, if not all, of the time. The majority of us in this world tend to live in a cycle. We screw up. We pray. We expect everything to be okay again. What kind of life is that? How can we say we love God but continue to live in such a frustrating cycle? If we love God so much, why do we settle? Why do we not change? Why do we only give a part of ourselves but expect all of God in return? How can we possibly expect one prayer to be our saving grace for the rest of our lives?

We can't put one quarter in a gumball machine and expect to get a million gumballs.

Our relationship with God is not a one-time deal. It’s not some contract we sign then forget about. We can’t have anger and perversion inside of our hearts and expect Jesus to come and live inside of it. Like any other relationship, we have to constantly work at our bond with Christ. We can’t ignore our friends for a long time, then come back and expect to pick up right where we left off. No matter how close two people are, they’ll eventually grow apart if they don’t make an effort to include each other in his/her life. If we want Him in our lives, we have to strive to make him a part of it.

We can’t ask Him to catch us if we aren’t willing to let go. We can’t grab at Him if our hands are full of worldly, sinful things. No lasting relationship is built in just one day. Sure, that initial beginning only takes a moment. But what defines that relationship from that point forward is the effort and love and care that is put forth. There is no in-between. But there is a hell and a heaven. God has given us the chance to love and worship and follow. Whether or not we choose to take advantage of what has been given to us defines our consequences.

I don’t want to live my life having to question whether or not I am doing everything right. I want to live with passion and overflowing love. I want to go to bed with a smile on my face. I want to make the most of my life. I want to live. But I know that in order to get to where I ultimately want to be, it begins today. And it won’t end tomorrow. In order to create a strong foundation, I must place brick by brick. If we want our relationship with God to last, we must continue to mold it everyday. All of the little things that are wrong in my life need to be fixed. I need to change. I need to give myself completely in order to be transformed. And that starts now. We might not have tomorrow. That’s scary, but it’s reality.

There is not a single soaring skyscraper out there that was built in one day.

Skyscrapers are separate from the buildings around them. They soar to touch the sky. Everyone looks up to them. Even if they are among other gargantuan buildings in a crowded city, they stand out. They stand resolute. They fight the wind and storms. They provide shelter to those in need. People can see them from afar and they admire them. I want to be a skyscraper. I want to rise for God. I want others to see me and see the great works of God reflected. I want to give God the glory that He rightfully deserves. I want to do amazing things for Him. But in order to do that, I must live my everyday life in a reverent way. I must protect my body, God’s temple. I have to separate myself from worldly things, like John the Baptist did. He lived apart from the rest of the sinful world in order to serve God. I can’t ask God to use me if I’m not fit for His work.

So, does your life reflect what you want?

Are you living your life?

Do you have a place in your heart ready for God?

What are you willing to do for Him today?

Are you living like there is no tomorrow?

I dare you to move.