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I'M PERFECTLY FINE, OK?!
Now, I'm sure that all of us have been so Starbucks at some point in our lives. I'm also sure that you've probably noticed the different types of people there.
WELL, since I was there for FOUR HOURS today, I decided to blog about certain types of people. Just for fun.
Ahem.
This is what happens whenever someone goes by themselves:
Every trip to Starbucks starts out innocent.
You walk in.
Take in the smell of fresh coffee.
Everybody acts intensely busy or important... even if they're not.
You don't make eye contact with anyone.
You try to take a subtle glance at the menu. (You don't want to seem like you don't know what you're ordering already.)
And are SUPER DETERMINED to sound like a pro whenever you order your drink.
You look like a kid setting out on his/her first adventure.
Okay, fine. If you're like me -- then you're yellow. SO hilarious.
Better? Meanie face.
Anyways, you're patiently waiting in line.
You check your phone for just the perfect amount of time so you seem busy like everyone else.
You put your phone in your pocket -- only to regret doing so.
You can't just whip it back out -- NO, now you must wait.
Pull it out too soon, and you'll look desperate.
So you cooly wait... and wait... and...
OKAY IT'S BEEN AT LEAST 47 SECONDS NOW SO YOU PULL IT BACK OUT.
Then you casually check... EVERYTHING.
I'm talking Facebook, Twitter, texts... everything.
And of course -- this is like the one time where NO ONE is texting you.
You get like like 15 messages before walking inside...
... then NOTHING. Nada. It's like everyone all of a sudden was like, "Oh, now she's not busy. She has nothing to do except check her phone while waiting in line. ...I guess I'll stop bothering her now."
THEN you figure out what you want...
Yes.
NO.
Well... yes.
No.
Definitely maybe.
Do I want...?
No.
Wait, yes.
GOD WHY IS THIS SO HARD.
Yes.
FINE, I'LL JUST GET A WATER.
Wait, I'm at Starbucks. NO.
Okay, I got it.
... I think.
Okay, so you decide on a caramel brulée latte. (Only professionals should order this. You'll see why.)
What size should you get?
The longer the line is... the bigger you start to think.
Don't lie. You know it's true.
THEN, you get to the register. And you're SUPER determined to sound cool when you order.
You look at the lady.
You have to get this just right.
Now, what did I decide on?
Ah, yes. A caramel brulée latte. Like a BOSS.
You look at the lady again.
You think to yourself, "Now, does she seem like she would pronounce 'caramel' like 'keh-rah-mel' or like 'karhmel' or like 'krml'. Maybe she thinks that like the 'c' is silent or something. Gah, I don't know. I DON'T KNOW HER LIFE, OK?!"
So you take a deep breath.
The chick smiles at you and says, "What can I get for you?"
Pff. This chick's totally a 'keh-rah-mel' type of girl.
You say, "Um, I would like one grande keh-rah-mel brulée latte."
Except you're trying way too hard to sound like a pro.
So it comes out like, "I would like agrancaraléette."
Everyone knows that ordering at Starbucks means that you talk faster.
But, it's okay, I mean, c'mon. She's a total pro too.
So she's all like, "Is that all for you today?"
You smile and nod. You start to mentally pat yourself on you back... WAIT--
She confirms, "So that's one grande karhmel brulée latte.
SHOOT. She was a 'karhmel'. Not a 'keh-rah-mel'. Idiot.
You mentally kick yourself as you move out of line.
But you still smile and move on like a boss.
MOVING ON:
There are several different types of people that you run into at a Starbucks:
THE LITTLE KID:
Ah, yes. This is the typical, under-11-years-old child. Mommy FINALLY let him order his own drink. Like a grown up. He has a wrinkled 5 dollar bill in his hand. He looks at the menu like it's magic -- kind of like he's dead with his eyes open. -- wait is he... nope, he blinked. Okay, we're good. He looks like this:
He goes up there. And sounds like this, "Ummmmmmm hhhhhmmmmmmmm, I would liiiiiike ...... hmmmm..... -10 minutes later- I would like one medium hot cocoa."
There are just SO many things wrong with that sentence. But hey, I won't judge.
THE SUPER INTENSE LADY:
When I say super intense, I mean SUPER INTENSE. She's the lady who has an expensive purse, two cell phones, business attire, a fax machine in her back-pocket -- the WHOLE sha-bang.
She's all, "Yes, I would like a grande chai tea latte with soy milk and -an hour later after giving super specific instructions- with a hint of caramel and half a teaspoon of whip cream. Oh, and no foam." And she makes your order look pathetic. What a tool.
THE NOT-SO-INTENSE GUY
This guy has the typical striped-shirt, nice pants look going on. He's got one cell phone... in a case... on a holster... on his belt. Slightly-expensive looking watch. He's the normal dad.
Why, yes. That is indeed Rick Perry. ... hehehe.
He gets up there and smiles. All he says is, "The usual, please." And voila. He's done. Show off.
THE PHONE GUY:
There's always that one dude who thinks that his life is so important. He has to be on the phone 24/7 to handle business. He talks the ENTIRE time that he's in the line.
WOW, what a creeper.
He gets up to the counter. He's STILL on the phone. Is he?... Yep, he's trying to use sign language.While pretending to pay attention to what the person on the phone is saying. What the-- she actually got his order? Seriously?
It's okay, though. He'll probably spill his coffee when he tries to add sugar to it.
THE WATER-DRINKER:
Need I say more? Believe it or not, there are people who go to Starbucks...and try to order water. WATER. What are you, a plant? Geez. That's disgusting.
This is all they get.
They're all, "May I have a glass of water?" -awkward pause- "Um... you want a... water?" "Yes, please." "-to fellow worker- Hey, do we actually sell water here?"
THE HIPSTER:
Ah, yes. The hipster. Every Starbucks comes with one, two, or forty of these. Typical striped-hoddie, dark jean, (glasses optional,) laptop-carrying, headphone-wearing -- hipster. They have that I-shave-but-just-enough-so-it-looks-like-I-actually-don't look. You never actually SEE them ordering coffee, but you're pretty sure that they live off of it. And they LIVE at Starbucks.
I have no idea why I blogged about this... Oh, well. It was fun. I know it was long, but hey, I included pictures this time. I hope I made you laugh or at least smile.
Smile,
B.
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