Today.

Oh, goodness. Where to begin? It feels like I haven't even thought about this silly, little blog in ages. (I honestly forgot that I even had one...)

Obviously, a lot has happened since the last time I updated this thing. For one, I graduated from high school. (Yay!) I also got to go back to Girls State again, as a counselor this time, which was AMAZING. I also got a tattoo that says "Call me maybe!" on my back. Oh, and I adopted a baby giraffe.

Two of the preceding statements are false -- I'll let you decide which two.

Anyhow, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. (That smell of burning wood? Yeah, that's coming from me. HA, bad joke. Against myself...)

This summer, I've been trying to "take things one day at a time." Now, I know that this is obvious. We can only take each day as it comes. We can't redo yesterday, make tomorrow come early, blah, blah blah. But, I'm trying to make myself worry less, be more carefree, and take advantage of each precious moment. You see, there's a fine distinction between watching life inevitably pass you by and choosing to live fully. The fact of the matter is: no matter how you're currently living your life... it'll keep happening at the same pace. Sadness won't make seconds last longer, thankfully, and happiness won't make time suddenly shrink. Whether you like it or not, your life is marching forward.

I know what you're thinking: this isn't new information. These are all facts that everyone knows. How many people, however, actually choose to live like that? How many people get up each morning and decide, "I'm going to make today count."? (<-- that was a really weird sentence... I'm pretty sure that the question mark was placed incorrectly. Oh well.)

So, why now? Why am I feeling like this all of a sudden? Honestly, I have no idea. Maybe I was just sick of doing the same repetitive motions day after day. The past week, I've been doing spontaneous things, jumping off cliffs (literally), star-gazing next to bonfires, and just spending time with people who matter to me. And strangely, I can't even begin to describe to you how ALIVE I feel. I can finally let go of the things and people that have been hurting me. I realized that, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." I can just take time to breathe and let myself go. I can feel my heartbeat through the very tip of my finger tips as I keep thinking "YOLO" in my head over and over before pushing myself off a cliff (into "safe" water, mind you).

That brings me to my next point: YOLO. I know that you're probably rolling your eyes at the sight of it. I'll admit it; it's a pretty dumb concept, in theory. It certainly is not the same thing as Carpe Diem, and I feel like it makes humans seem more ignorant in general. But it has, sadly, been my motto during certain moments. Now, hang on a second -- let me explain. Calm yourself. I only embraced that term because I defined it in my own way. For me, YOLO doesn't serve as an excuse to do stupid things and hope that I don't die. That would be ironic, pointless, and, quite frankly, immature. For me, YOLO means giving everything your all. It means laughing with your friends one last time. It means telling your loved ones that you love them when you say goodbye for the day. It means having the courage to be yourself. And most importantly, it means conquering the fear that is keeping you from living your life to the very fullest. No, I don't mean your conscience that is keeping you from doing wrong things. That's a good thing; you need to keep your conscience intact. (Side note: There is a VERY distinct difference between your fear and your conscience. We'll explore that more some other time.)

Sorry, I just had to get all of this out of my system. I'm going to go to bed now. I'll ramble more later.

Playing with Fire

Yeah. This a long one. Sorry.

Lately, I've been rethinking a lot of things in my life. By the end of this week, I'll have decided where I'm going to college. I've even decided to keep my phone off, to a certain extent, in order to re-prioritize things correctly. I'm going to keep to myself, with the exception of a few people, this spring break.

For the last two nights, I've sat next to an open bonfire. The first night was just me and Aleks sitting outside his house talking about everything. Just me and my oldest best friend -- without a single care in the world. That's literally all we did. Just sit and talk and make fun of each other and laugh. And for some reason, it was the most refreshing night that I've had in a while. We didn't have to care about anything. We didn't have to worry about the uncertainty of the future or the regrets of the past or the pressures of the present. There were no lies, no expectations, no confusion, no stress, no drama, no one telling me what to do, no lectures, no yelling, no anger, no hurt, and no pain. For once, I didn't feel the need to beg someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay. I didn't have to think about how much I wanted someone to tell me, "You'll be okay." For once. I let my guard down. And for once: I felt safe.

The second night, I came home from church drama/dance practice and decided that I wanted to sit by a fire again. Earlier that day, my mom and I had talked A LOT of things through. I told her everything that she suspected that I was holding back. And she didn't judge me or hate me. She listened to me talk for over an hour about everything that I felt. I told her about all of my flaws and issues. That's a whole different story though. Back to the topic at hand -- we decided to buy a fire pit. I've always wanted one, so this is part of my graduation gift. I get to invite friends over whenever I want, as long as I keep up my end of the bargain.

So anyways, the second night, it started out with me sitting outside by myself. No music, no words -- just me. Soon, however, my dad came out to join me. He went in shortly to take a shower, but he came back out and rejoined me. This was the first time, in several years at least, that I've had a night like this with just my dad. We just talked and talked and laughed for hours. He told me some stories, after I begged him, and he also talked about some of the dreams that he used to have. We talked about college, as usual, but it was different this time.

And as we were talking, my dad was keeping the fire alive. He shared with me some tips about starting and maintaining fires. The more he talked about fires, however, the more I started to compare it to things in life. And while I was thinking about that, my dad literally said, "It's kind of like things in life."

So, that being said -- here is my long metaphorical rant comparing fires to things in life.

Fires are like relationships. (Don't you dare roll your eyes at me.)

Fire has always fascinated me. Ever since I was a little kid, there has always been something magical about it -- the way it never looks the same for more than a split second, the smell of the smoke left on my clothes, the crackling sound that calms me, the warmth of it burning close to my body, everything.

For those of you who like lists, I will proceed to make the rest of this blog post into a long list.

1. The beginning:

Every fire has to start somehow, obviously. Some start with an instant spark. Some start from hours of labor (for those who use the traditional techniques). Some start with help from things such as gasoline or whatever else.

The beginning to every fire is crucial. Some fires are harder to start than others. But in the end, if you have a fire that can keep you warm, all of the hard work and effort is worth it.

2. The spark:

No, this is not the same thing as the point before it. Shut up. Anyways, the initial spark doesn't determine what the fire will be like in the long run. Just because there was a great spark doesn't necessarily mean that the fire will be strong. A fire is like a relationship, because you have to constantly tend to it and feed it to sustain it. There can be period of times where it can sustain itself -- but the fact of the matter is, neglect will eventually lead to the fire slowly dying.

3. The heat:

This part's kind of obvious. Fires make you feel all warm and fuzzy -- just like good relationships. Even if you feel down or cold, the closer you get to the fire, the more you start to forget. Even when you don't have your own blanket, the fire can keep you warm. When your body can't sustain its own heat, the fire does it for you. That's partly what fire's are for. They're there for the times when you need them.

4. The light:

A good fire burns brightly. A good relationship helps you see the important parts in your life in order to find what you need, make the right decisions, and etc. The dimmer the fire, the harder it is to see what is real and what isn't.

On the other hand, sometimes the brighter it starts to burn -- the more scared we get. Fire is powerful. And sometimes, we're afraid that we won't be able to control it. We fear that it will become reckless. But that's the thing -- it's FIRE. It's natural to feel intimidated by it. Just like relationships. But if you want it bad enough, that's when you start to take the risk. You know the dangers, but you start one anyways. Because you know in the end, it'll be worth it. Or sometimes, we need it. We need that light to help us see. We need that heat to help us feel.

5. The space:

Now, here's the tricky/slightly ironic part. In order for a fire to be able to burn strong, there needs to be space. There needs to be space for air. I believe relationships are the exact same way. Sometimes, we're just so desperate for that fire to burn that we try to suffocate it. We try to force so many things on it -- and ironically, it makes it die faster. We don't have bad intentions, but it still ends up harming the fire. People need space, just like fires do. Piles of firewood have that right amount of space that they need. Too much space means that it can't sustain itself; too little means that it slowly chokes itself. You have to communicate with the fire and get a feel for it in order to know what the healthy amount of space is.

6. Never gone:

This is similar to some of the other points. While Dad and I were sitting outside, it got to a point where I thought the fire was almost dead. I stated, "Aw, it's almost all gone." Dad replied with, "No, it's not. It's never gone. Even if the top of the ashes and whatever else might make it seem like it's gone -- it's not. It's always still there. You just have to put life back into it." He got up from his seat and messed with the "fire" a little bit. He added more wood. He shifted some things around. He carefully blew on it. He waited patiently. He kept repeating these steps. And sure enough, the fire came back -- and was blazing stronger than ever.

Sometimes, relationships can seem like that. They seem burnt out and dead. We don't feel it as strongly as we did before -- so we assume that it's over. We assume that it will never be the same. We just watch it die and think about how strong it once was. We doubt what it could be capable of. We shiver and miss it, but we don't bother doing anything about it. Instead, we silently watch as every little trace of it disappears until we're left with the ashes.

But that's the beauty of relationships (and fire): we can bring it back. Just because it seems hard doesn't mean that it's impossible. It's always there. Even if it seems incredibly close to the end, we can bring it back. You have to work at it. Some people are easier to let go of than others. But I know there are people in my life who I have almost let them go out completely. I decided that I don't want that anymore.

If you know who you are, this is directed towards you: I'll never let our fire die out. I don't care how much I have to go out and gather wood. Or spend my time and energy keeping it alive. Or whatever. I don't care. All I care about is whether or not you're in my life. And I know we fight. And I know things seem hard. And I know that the future seems confusing and uncertain. But I don't care. If you want to keep pouring water on the fire, go right ahead. But I'm going to keep trying to make it burn bright. I promise. Because I want you. I want to feel you next to me. I'm done trying to pretend like I don't feel it slowly dying. I know that it's getting harder to keep it going. I know that we keep poking at it and testing it -- just to see its limits. But, you and I both know that it's taking a toll on it. And it's harder to bring it back to where it originally was each time. We used to just sit by it and watch it grow, but somehow, things changed. It's like we got bored or something and started to mess with it. We constantly play with it, and we get burned. We can't keep doing this. Well, technically, we could. But I mean, come on. I don't want that. I want it to blaze all the time, full force. And yeah, this is super cheesy. But whatever, you know you like this kind of stuff. Actually, you probably don't even know that this is directed towards you. I don't even know if you're reading this. Oh well.

Sorry. Moving on. (How the heck did I get that far off track?) (I guess I was just "on fire"...hahaha get it?..... Gosh, I'm so lame.)

Actually, you know what? I think I'm done. Mainly because it's now 1:07 A.M. I can't think about anything anymore. I'm so tired. I won't publish this until tomorrow -- since I'm supposed to go back over to Aleks's and spend the night there. I might add more stuff after my third bonfire this week. Three fires in a row for three nights? Gah, I needed this.

Update: It is now 7:52 P.M. on the following day. I'm about to head to Aleks's. I'm not going to update anything. I'm just going to enjoy my night and celebrate my very first college acceptance letter. I'll just forget about everything else for the time being. ... and try not to get burned.

-B.

Just a Thought

I wrote this while a few days back, but I didn’t have access to internet at the time. So, here it is. A few days late:

If I don’t live in a big city when I grow up… I’ll hate my life.

Today, I arrived in Nashville for the SCOPE conference. Most, if not all, of you don’t know/care about what that stands for. To the few who DO claim to care: look it up if you really want to know.

Moving on:

For dinner, we decided to go into the heart of the city. We ate dinner at a delicious restaurant, then took a nighttime stroll down Broadway.

I don’t know what it is that I love about cities.

I love the feeling of being surrounded by cold weather.

I love wearing a jacket over my hoodie.

I throw my hood up and tuck my hair away from the rain.

There’s just something about the way the neon lights reflect off the rain.

It takes your breath away and completely mesmerizes you.

Something about the way you feel the rain drops hit your jacket.

I pass by numerous clubs, and the live music sounds so real.

Each bar has a different singer; some are sad, while some are happy.

You feel their emotions through their words and the music around them.

I breathe in, and the smell of the wet pavement mixes with smoke and enters my lungs.

Ironically, it feels as if I can finally breathe fully.

I shove my hands in my pockets and hum to myself.

I skip over puddle after puddle, and I can feel my shoes and jeans start to get wet.

A genuine laugh escapes my lips, and I can see my breath lingering in the air.

It mixes with the night sky and disappears.

My ears never rest for a single moment.

New sounds. New music. New sensations.

I’m so small compared to the spacious atmosphere.

Each building has its own story; each street has its own legend.

I stroll down the streets without caring where I am.

I become part of the numerous faces that I pass.

Strangers complete the picture.

It doesn’t matter where they’re from or where they’re headed.

All that matters is that, at that moment, they are in a place where time seems to stop.

An old man tips his hat at me, and I smile back at him.

Tomorrow doesn’t matter.

Tonight is what I live for.

No regrets. No expectations. Just the life of the city running through me.

I’m an imperfect person in an imperfect city.

And when I find myself in a city like this…

I’m home.

Today's a Thursday?!

I don't know what I would do without my friends.

Today was one of the most... awkward days of my life. -- I won't say why.

Anyways, as soon as I stepped outside into the perfect weather after school ended, I said, "Guys. We HAVE to play soccer today." After making a series of plans, we agreed to meet up around 5:00 to play. When we all got there, all we had was a ton of food, water, Dr. Pepper, and a soccer ball. The group consisted of: me, Anne, Beka, Lauren, Sydney, Victoria, Vanessa, and Melissa. We started by kicking the ball around randomly and whatnot... then somehow, I started to lose myself. The more we started to play around, the more I started to forget about my awful day. I hadn't laughed this much in a long, LONG time.

We started out by playing a couple games of "soccer" (which soon turned into a game where we just ran around while laughing and breaking every rule of soccer). After we decided that we were "tired", we decided to play red rover (because, you know, that take such LESS energy, right?). We played for a little while before we were "tired" again. Then, we all collapsed and ate and ate and ate. We started to talk about things going on in our lives and laughed at our problems. We threw food at each other. We just kept eating and enjoying each others company. We didn't need anything else. After a while, I jumped back up and insisted that we run around until someone threw up. Obviously, I was kidding. But everyone got up and took their shoes off -- and the next thing I knew, we were playing a game of tag in the dark... all over the soccer field. We played until we all felt tired and worn out. Even though I was physically tired, I felt so alive inside. I pointed at the airplanes and pretended like they were stars. Actually, I really thought they were stars... until they started to move. (It was dark, okay?)

Finally, someone said that we should probably head out since it was completely dark by now, and the soccer complex was technically closed. We all headed to our cars to say goodbye. I, for some reason, decided to crank up some dance/rave music. Next thing I knew, our goodbye session had turned into a dance party. We turned on our lights, and I cranked the music up even more. We flashed our lights and danced with each other like no one was watching. We pulled our cars into a circle and danced in the middle of all of the lights.

It was at that moment that I realized that I had judged today before it was even close to being over. When I look back at today, all of the bad things that happened during school seem so far away now. I legitimately forgot that it was still Thursday. Even though not all of my close friends were there, I still got to enjoy myself so much. I got the break from reality that I needed. Time never stopped, but my perspective changed. I still don't have a solution to everything, but that's okay. That's what God's for. I'm not meant to know everything or control everything. I should be thankful for all of the little things in my life that have been consistent, even when new bad things pop up. Why was I trying to make things so hard? You can be happy at any moment, if you choose to be that way. It's all about your state of mind.

I was reminded today how amazing each and every one of my friends are. Their impact on my life is priceless. It's indescribable. Even this account of my day does not do the few wonderful hours justice. I needed today. Even after I had dropped Victoria and Vanessa off at home, and returned to an empty house, I didn't feel alone. I needed a shower so bad, but I couldn't stop smiling. God is good. He hears our calls. He gave me today for a reason. I LIVED today to the fullest, in my opinion. Tomorrow is always a fresh start.

There's a difference between living your life and merely continuing to exist. I want to LIVE.

Oh, and Victoria just texted me saying: "I have bruises :D" -- like I said, today was unforgettable.

Even Me

This post is not funny. It’s not even remotely funny.

This is something that has been on my heart for more than a few weeks now.

Where do I start? I’m sorry if my thoughts are scattered. I apologize for how rushed this post sounds, also. Oh, and I apologize to my poor computer who is going to endure a lot of abuse from my fingertips here in a second.

God.

A few weeks ago, my life started to change. Somehow, I found myself at one of the lowest points that I had ever been at in my entire life. I wasn’t sure how I had let myself get that low, but there I was. Lost as ever. I was stuck in a cycle of self-pity and self-destruction. I hated myself. I hated everything in my life. I seemed fine on the outside, but I was so broken on the inside. I tried to separate school from church, church from home, home from friends, and friends from etc. But somehow, everything started to mix together until everything became unbearable.

Long story short, I turned to God. Needless to say, it took a while for me to return to God, but I did. Slowly but surely. See, the thing about God is – whether you know it or not, He always has a plan. That tricky little (or not so little) Lord above us knows everything about us.

That’s what killed me.

Throughout my entire life, I’ve struggle with the concept of forgiveness and trust. It takes a lot for me to trust someone. Once you’ve lost my trust… you’d never get it back. So, with family, ex-friends, and everything else… I kept hatred in my heart. I would continue on my “walk with God”, but I kept everything bottled up inside.

Now here’s the thing: that’s not how it works.

It’s like filling a cup up with your feelings. Let’s say that your heart is a cup. You fill most of it with the love that you have for the people close to you. Let’s say that this love is represented by water. Now, let’s add the hatred in. Let’s say that the hatred is represented by… coke. It eats at anything and everything, including the inside of your stomach. Anyways, even just a teaspoon of coke changes the entire composition of what’s inside the cup. Then, when that day comes, where your heart is so overwhelmed – let’s say that someone walks by and slams his/her fists down on the table – your cup spills. What comes out isn’t just the love. It’s the mixture of everything that you had kept inside the cup. You can’t tell that it’s water anymore because of the coke that corrupted it.

Life is the same way.

I kept everything inside until I didn’t know who I was. Then, a few weeks ago, I started to really give myself to the Lord. Maybe it’s because I’m finally graduating. Maybe it was just the right timing.

I know what you’re thinking. A few weeks? Oh, please. You can’t be proud of that. You could easily fail tomorrow. Where is all of this coming from? Oh, trust me. I’ve been fighting the urge to type this for so long. After the Ash Wednesday service tonight, I just couldn’t help myself.

I used to think that too. I would always “go back to God.” But, I would never give all of myself. This time, I started to really try to give all of myself to Him. Because quite frankly, I didn’t have anything left to lose. I started by physically removing things in my life that I resorted to instead of seeking God. I won’t name those things online, but… yeah. That’s when things started to change.

The way I prayed changed. It was no longer an empty string of words. It was me taking time to really pray for a change in my life. To pray for the needs of my friends. To pray for the people who are hurting all over the world. To pray for those who cry out to God everyday. I started to pray that God would shape me and refine me. I wanted to become someone who would make Him happy. I prayed that He would help me to not hate myself anymore.

Then other things in my life started to change. Praise was no longer just an act of standing and singing words half-heartedly. No, praise meant surrendering my all without caring what others thought. Praise meant physically showing that I surrendered my all to Him. Praise started to mean that I glorified God through songs. Whether I was at church, or at my house by myself, praise and worship started to become an intimate time between me and God.

Seeking God meant that I had to stop blocking my ears.

There’s no point in asking God to speak to us if we refuse to open our ears and hearts to receive His word.

I would as God to speak to me all of the time, but I never listened. Once I finally stopped and opened my heart to Him, I started hearing Him… EVERYWHERE. It’s incredible how much He tries to communicate with us. On that note, I kept asking for forgiveness. For the longest time, all I could pray was, “I’m sorry, God. Please for give me. God, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” What I didn’t realize, however, was that He had already forgiven me. Even before I was born, He had died on the cross for me. And you. And yeah, that hobo on the side of the highway. He had already forgiven me of my sins when I repented. But I didn’t see anything change. Why?

I didn’t even forgive myself.

How could I possibly expect to feel a change – to feel forgiven – if I didn’t forgive myself? If I hated myself so much, how could I expect to feel how much God and others loved me? If we close our eyes, we can’t see what God has put before us. We could be standing at the top of the highest mountain and still see nothing – as long as we refuse to open our eyes.

Opening my eyes meant that I surrendered all of myself… all of the time. It meant that I chose my words carefully. It meant that I chose the songs I listen to carefully. I prayed. I read. I sang. I did all of these things – because I wanted to give God my all. Now, I KNOW that these things aren’t hard to do. It’s just a matter of disciplining ourselves. It sounds easy, in theory. SO WHY DON’T WE DO IT?

Surrendering means that we give ALL of ourselves ALL of the time. It means asking God to break our heart for what breaks His. We are called as His people to be a light to this world. We are called to be different. We are called to be different. I recently attended Acquire the Fire, down in Atlanta. I am still wearing my admission bracelet. Why? On it, it says, “NORMAL’S NOT ENOUGH.” It serves as a reminder to me throughout my day. I’m not going to pretend like I don’t need a constant reminder. Just because I haven’t “messed up” yet doesn’t mean that things got easier. But when we choose to give all ourselves to God, He will show Himself to us all of the time.

Today, at the service, I volunteered to be at the foot-washing station. I asked God to use me to minister to people.

The very first person I washed was a little boy named Samuel. When I asked if he had any special needs, he only asked that I pray for his grandmother who couldn’t walk down stairs anymore. As I prayed, my heart started to … I don’t know. It just started doing… something.

As the night progressed, I had requests like:
“Pray that I’ll learn to help others more and that God will give me the capacity to carry burdens for others.”

“Pray that I will learn to quit being a perfectionist and just trust God. Pray that I won’t get overwhelmed by tests at school and in life.”

“Pray for my relationship expectations.”

And so on and so forth.

The more I prayed, the more that I realized that every single request matched what I wanted to pray for myself. As I prayed for others, I was actually the one who was ministered to. As these people cried out to God, He used me to give them strength. Even if it was just a single prayer session, the tears and hugs that I received was more than enough to light my heart on fire.

On the way home, I couldn’t stop praising God out loud. Yes, I was that crazy person talking to herself at the red light. I felt so… ALIVE. The more I surrender to God, the more I feel like I’m finally starting to become ALIVE again.

I used to think that I needed to be perfect to approach God. That’s one of the reasons why I didn’t go to God for several recent years. I’ll be honest. For YEARS, it’s been a back-and-forth struggle of trust and forgiveness. I was so afraid that I wasn’t good enough. So, if I’m already so screwed up, why even try right? If I’ll just fall again… isn’t it just better to stay down here so I don’t get even more bruises and cuts?

I was so, so wrong.

God doesn’t call just the perfect to repent. He calls the sinners and low-lifes. It’s his AMAZING GRACE that saves us! He SAVES us over and over and over and over again. God doesn’t take the perfect and make them… perfect again, He takes the broken and hurting – and heals them and puts them back together. Jesus DIED on the cross for OUR sins so that we might be saved through Him. He came to this world BECAUSE we aren’t perfect. He didn’t come to cast away the sinners – He came to SAVE them. God calls us to live our lives in Him. No matter how far away we stray, He’s always waiting for us to come home to Him.

So I’m not sure where else I’m going with this. I just REALLY REALLY needed to get all of this out there. If my heart exploded, I apologize. I’m not even going to re-read any of that. If you’re still reading this, know that I love you. I’m not saying any of this to judge anyone. If anyone needs to be judged, it’s ME. I just felt like I NEEDED to share this if I wanted to be able to sleep tonight. God loves you, so so so much. And He’s always there. Even in your darkest moment. And you are so precious to Him.

Jesus died for the ones who loved Him. He saved them...

and amazingly, even me.

He died... for you.

The Art of Women

I thought that this would be a fun list to make, mainly because I just finished discussing this topic with several girls and female youth pastors after church earlier tonight.

SO,

ALL OF THE THINGS THAT EVERY GUY OR GIRL SHOULD KNOW ABOUT GIRLS:

(That's such a long title...)

1. Girls are NOT always right. They just happen to always be right... until they themselves realize that they are wrong. Then it's okay for us to be wrong. But until then, you are WRONG.

2. If two girls are arguing with one another, and are on opposite sides, don't get involved -- unless you can somehow magically prove that they're both right. Then, by all means, jump in.

3. If a girl ever takes off her earrings saying that she's mad at you, and she's being serious... RUN. Or go ahead and call 911. Whichever one is more convenient for you.

4. Girls will call a miniature version of anything adorable. That baby walrus? CUTE. That tiny little mini-safety pin that can hold absolutely nothing and serves virtually no purpose? PRECIOUS.

5. If girls are ever hungry, don't be in their way. They're either going to eat the chocolate or whatever, or they're going to eat you. So, either you find them whatever they want to eat, or... yeah. Your choice. Also, if they have a craving, don't ask questions. Just go with it.

6. If a girl chooses to rant to you, whether you agree with them or not, LET HER FINISH. Even if you aren't really listening, NOD YOUR HEAD. Chances are: if she's really ranting, she doesn't actually want to hear what you have to say. She just wants someone to listen. Once she's finished, tell her everything that she wants to hear.

7. All girls love surprises, even if they say that they hate them.

8. If a girl is crying, don't just stare at her like she's a zombie. This is pretty much common sense. Either punch your tear ducts and start crying with her, or just hold her without looking at her.

9. Even if she's your best friend, you can still offend her. Saying "no offense" does not justify negative comments. For example: saying, "No offense, Sally... But you look like you got run over by an extremely long freight train after getting into a fight with King Kong today." will probably offend her. Even if she is wearing your clothes. There are other ways to say insensitive things to sensitive girls.

10. I don't care how close you two are. If you greet your "best girlfriend" with the phrase, "Hey, prostitute. I love you!" -- you have a problem. "Skank" is not an "okay" nickname... even if her first name is Skankishenaia.

11. Every girl is beautiful in her own way and deserves to be happy. Truly happy. And you better believe that she is proud to be a female.

Sing Along

Everyone has at least one song. That ONE song that can single-handedly take them back to a place in the past. Whether you never wanted to see that place again, or cherish the memory with all of your heart... you end up back there. You close your eyes, and you lose yourself.

Or, if you're like me, there is a song for every person you know.

Words and lyrics are so powerful. Even if they don't mean anything now, the fact that they meant something at one point makes them craters that have been created by someone else impacting your heart.

And it drive you crazy. You don't know why you can't let go of the person -- every time you hear that song... or band or whatever else.

The worst part? You listen to the song over and over... because it reminds you of that person. For some reason, you think that listening to the song a bazillion times will help you forget. You think, "Oh hey. This song was totally written just for how I feel right now. It's PERFECT." The song is everything you ever wanted to say to the person or whatever, so you listen to it. You think it'll help you get over it/him/her.

The ironic part? It does the complete opposite. You listen to it so many times until the lyrics are written into your head. Then song gets stuck in your head. It eats at you. It makes your more sad/mad/bitter -- which only makes you listen to the song more. Then you start to get sick of the song, BUT IT STILL SAY EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED TO HEAR. So then there you are: listening to a song that has now become old, but it still feels new. Then you get stuck in a terrible cycle until all you want to do is watch other sad things or eat chocolate and ice cream. Baaad things happen. Seriously.

Songs are like people. People are like songs. I guess that since people are the ones who write songs, that makes sense. (Beckyie smarte smarte rite? :D) There's that one person that you go back to. This one person, whether it's a friend, family member, ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, or whatever, is someone who can break you so easily... if they wanted to. The majority of the time, however, the relationship feels one-sided. You pour your time, thoughts, and whatever else into making sure that you do everything you can for that other person. Half the time you smile just thinking about the things you love about them -- on the other hand, you spend the other half trying to figure out why they're even in your life.

You love them, but you wish you didn't. Well, I take that back. You just wish that you could choose whether you cared about them or not. But, it feels like you have no choice. It's either: you keep giving your all to them, or you feel empty inside. Even if you haven't changed at all, they make you feel bipolar. You just can't explain it. You want to spend time with them all the time, but sometimes, you wish that you had never met them. Are the hurts/letdowns/heartbreaks/whatever else it is for you worth it? You don't know. It feels like you've never had the opportunity to find out.

Just once. For once, you would like them to do the things for you that you do for them. (That's such a weird sentence...) Or at least care the same amount. But they don't, and life moves on. Maybe you're supposed to learn from this. But what should you learn? Should you learn to let go of that person? Or should you learn to love even the worst flaws about them? Should you be patient? Or should you ignore them? Are they worth your time? Should you let them hold your heart? Or should you hide it from them once and for all?

I don't have the answers.

No one does.

Actually, I take that back. Some do.

If no one held the answers... how else would your song exist?

People Person

Obviously, there are several different types of people. Even a simple problem can determine a lot about someone.

Example:

Sally had 836 cookies. She ate half of them. What does Sally now have?

Reactions:

Person 1: “Well, Sally now has 413 cookies remaining. Simple answer. There. This is dumb. I just wasted my time.”

Immediately, the person seeks to answer the question mathematically. They disregard the fact that the notion of eating that many cookies is completely ridiculous. The question is theoretical, therefore, the impossible situation does not affect the impulse to solve the equation at hand. These are typically perfectionists in life. If they have the chance, they’ll overanalyze even the smallest details.

Person 2: “Diabetes. Sally now has diabetes. (hehehe)”

This is the type of person who gets distracted by details that are not essential to the solution. Even though the number that is given is not a huge number, they don’t bother doing the math in their head. Why should they? They’re reading this for entertainment. They are quick to react, but not in the way that the problem demands. They are the laid-back type, typically. When they get frustrated, however, you better watch out. Not to fret, though. Their temper won’t last long.

Person 3: “…..What does this have to do with anything?”

This type of individual questions the question. They ignore the fact that a question expects an answer. They’re indifferent. Unattached. It’s not like they know who “Susie” is. Why should they care how many cookies she eats? She’s grown. She can do whatever she wants. Although these individuals might come across as “uncaring”, that isn’t necessarily the case. Their self-reliance and independence often gets mistaken for apathy. Or maybe it is apathy after all. Does it really matter?

Person 4: “_________________.”

This group has no response. Well, technically, they do. They respond… by not responding. No reaction. They just keep reading. They allow themselves to be molded as they keep reading about the different types of people. By the time they read this, they’ve already forgotten about the original problem that was mentioned.

People, whether they fit into those four categories perfectly or not, have subconsciously sorted themselves into one of the four groups by the time they read this. Maybe they even fit in more than one type. It is human nature to make themselves belong to something, isn’t it? Maybe I’m totally wrong. But this is how I think. I think it’s fun to be like this, no? So, tell me. Which type are you?

…Have you decided which person you are? Of course you have. Are you sure that you placed yourself correctly? Of course you are.

This is the fun part. For me, anyways. I set up things within the text. Just for this moment. Ahem. Allow me to explain:

1. If you truly are Person 1, you would have noticed that the correct answer was 418 cookies.

2. If you really are Person 3, you wouldn’t have noticed the fact that when I described your reaction, within the quote, I said “Susie” instead of “Sally.”

3. If you are indeed Person 2, you wouldn’t have noticed that I didn’t list the persons in order just now. Notice how 3 came after 1 instead of two. … You’re right, it really doesn’t matter to you.

4. If you truly are Person 1, you would have scrolled up to double check that I’m not just pulling your leg. The answer really is 418. Even if you were super sure of yourself… you probably checked. You know, just to make sure you were right all along. Or maybe I’m lying to you. Who knows? Oh wait, you do.

5. If you really are Person 3, you are probably annoyed with all of these “mind tricks” by now. IT DOESN’T MATTER TO YOU, OKAY?

6. You’re Person 4? Then you probably haven’t noticed that I’m already at point 6… and just now finally mentioned you for the first time.

7. Person 2: …Hehehe Sally has diabetes. That's not funny. hehehehe...

This is what I do when I think. I’m not sure what to call it. It’s amusing to say the least – to me, that is.

Even with the kids in the nursery at my church, you can see the different personalities. This past Sunday, we did an activity where we used straws to blow air in order to paint.

Like this:

Briefly, these are the types of kids:

1. The one kid who actually does the activity right. Like all the way until the end. As in keeps blowing until he/she starts to get so dizzy that he/she almost passes out.

2. The kid who tries to eat the paint. Then will argue that he/she did not do such a thing... as he/she is struggling to get the paint off of his/her lips.

3. The kid who gets mad that the straw "doesn't work" and proceeds to use it as a paint brush by dragging it across the paper instead.

4. The kid who just chooses to put down the straw and paint with his/her hands. (Not to get confused with kid #3.)

5. The kid who refuses to paint.

6. The kid who chooses to paint... on another kid.

7. The 17-year-old kid who gets paint in her hair from helping the little kids paint. And also ends up with stickers on her face. And 4 little boys begging her to pick them up and play with them... all at the same time.

Not gonna lie, he's one of my favorites.

My masterpiece:

You have to be really creative to understand my concept. Artistic interpretation is key.

Well, what did you expect?

You know what's super awkward? When your dad walks in, silently inspects everything (including your bathroom...), HOVERS OVER YOUR SHOULDER WHILE YOU TYPE, then asks, "You have a blog?" Needless to say, it made me feel super uncomfortable.

SO, I've been thinking about the word "expectations" lately. In case you haven't noticed... they are EVERYWHERE. They are present at school, home, church, friends, etc., etc., etc.

My questions for you are:

1. WHY ARE THEY EVERYWHERE?!

2. How do we deal with them?

3. What are your expectations for yourself?

Whether you're willing to admit it or not, you hold yourself at some standard. Some choose to push themselves further up than others. At what point is it okay to compromise on our expectations? At what point can we say to ourselves, "Well... I guess things didn't work out the way I expected them to... so I guess I'll settle."? I know that you probably set your standards pretty high. At least I hope you do. So when things seem like they don't reach high enough... what do you do? Do you try harder? Do you get rid of the things holding you back? Or do you let yourself be consumed by negotiations and setbacks?

Everyday, I see people in my life make decisions. Some choose to endure some hurt and hardships... because they know that it'll be worth it in the end. They can see what they want, and they go for it with everything they have. These people might seem to get destroyed the most, but they are also the strongest people that I know/have ever met. I can't tell what exactly they're going through from a normal conversation. I have to really search to find the ways that they subtly call out for help. They're the ones who go through so much, but still try to offer themselves to others. They're the ones who will end up truly happy in their lives.

Some choose to lie to themselves. It's like they only have silver coins in their hands... but they close their eyes and tell themselves that the coins are actually made out of gold. The fact that they have any money at all is what seems to matter the most. They desperately try to be content at all times by reaching for the things that they think will make them happy... then they hang on to those things. Even if those things don't meet their expectations. Later, they wonder why they aren't happy. It's like they're so desperate for the world's definition of "happiness" that they're blind to the fact that they are ones who are actually keeping themselves from true happiness. (Did that make sense?) The simple truth is: settling for less always comes at a cost. Why do you save up to buy something expensive for so long... then spend it all on cheaper things instead? You will always see what you could've had -- and you will see the thing that you settled for, and it will tear you down little by little every day.

Then you have the people who let this world rule them. They let the unhappiness inside of them grow and grow until they become bitter and spiteful. They envy what others have. They anticipate so much... but do so little. They wait for everything to come to them. Honey. Let me just tell you something. As long as you are sitting on the opposite side of the field... that ball of happiness will never come rolling over to you. You might get lucky of someone is willing to kick/pass it to you -- but don't hold your breath.

To be quite honest, I'm not sure where I'm going with any of this.

Keeping all of this in mind, HOWEVER -- if we live in an imperfect world... is the act of settling necessary to achieve the maximum level of happiness? Should we make our expectations low just to "make sure" that we don't fall short?

NO. My personal answer is simply: no. Settling is never necessary in order to find true happiness.

But don't lie. We all do it. Whenever you take a test at school, you always say something like, "Oh my gosh. I just completely bombed that test." Even if you studied for 29374923874239 hours, you keep telling yourself that you failed. Why? Because we get overjoyed when we EXCEED our expectations. This does not mean that we should just lower all of our expectations though. If you do that just to be surprised by life's outcomes... please slap yourself.

I'm just going to stop here because it's late and I have no idea what I'm saying anymore.

Who doesn't love a good quote? Or three?

"In a word, I was too cowardly to do what I knew to be right, as I had been too cowardly to avoid doing what I knew to be wrong."

"If you can't get to be oncommon through going straight, you'll never get to do it through going crooked."

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts."

-Great Expectations

My Own Worst Enemy

"Listen to my words as they come out wrong..."

I'll be honest. HA. Honesty? What a JOKE.

No, but seriously. I've been beating myself up a lot lately. I've always done this, but it's become worse lately. And things in life aren't exactly helping. (Are they ever?) Anyways, I've drawn several pictures on my phone to demonstrate a tiny bit of how my life has been an endless cycle lately.

If you like pictures... you'll love me in about 5 minutes.

First, let me say: I WANT people to laugh at this. Or at least smile.

Normally I start out normal. Makes sense, right?

Well lately, I've been starting out sad. Or slightly sad at least. Or easily saddened. Whatever. It's like this.

But now that bad things or sad thing continue to happen... and everything else is still the same... I've been sad.

And more sad...

It gotten pretty rough. It's like 3 in the morning every time that I'm crying and I'm alone and I've got all these sad movies and songs. I was torturing myself. I even almost got to the point that I thought I was going to drown in my own tears of sorrow and self-pity.

At one point, I forced myself to watch The Tourist... just because I know for a fact that it is a terrible film. The first time I watched it, I literally called the ending in the first 10 minutes of the movie.

One of the things that bummed me out even more was the fact that I had a fight with someone that I would never in my life intentionally hurt. I would do anything and everything for her... but apparently that wasn't enough? And wasn't reciprocated. Or something, whatever. The point of me mentioning this isn't to call her out or whatever immature thing people do online nowadays. I'm simply including this as a way to further make fun of myself.

So we had our fight on Skype. In reality, the conversation went like this.

To ME, in my land of pitifulness, it sorta looked like this:

It got to the point that I debated standing in a corner and just wasting my life away like a loser.

Like this.

Yes, I'm not wearing any pants.

This is my picture. I don't have to draw pants if I don't want to.

What else am I supposed to be in? A dress? Oh, please.

Also, the Corner of Failure has no room for pants. Pants are only for dignified people with loads of self confidence.

So, naturally, the me-inside-of-me started to talk to me.

Yes, that is the me-inside-of-me that is drawn here. --->

Me: (sigh)

Me-inside-of-me: "Hey, are you okay?"

No answer.

Me-inside-of-me: "Seriously? You're so pitiful that you can't even answer yourself now? Oh wow. You've crossed the line, buddy."

Still no answer.

Me-inside-of-me: (somewhat concerned)

"Oh yeah? Well... Um... How can I make you feel better? You're still Asian, right? Come on, cheer up. No one can take your Asian-ness away from you.

You're like the sun! With happy rays of sunshine!"

Still no answer.

At this point, since I didn't respond, the me-inside-of-me started get kind of hateful and mean...

Me-inside-of-me: "You know what? FINE. You be that way. I'll just sit here and make fun of you. Like I said, you're Asian.

And you're like the sun!

That's positive, right?

WRONG.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE SUN -- YOU'RE YELLOW, YOU SUCK, AND NO ONE LIKES TO LOOK AT YOUR FOR MORE THAN A SPLIT SECOND."

I was too sad to respond. You can't see it now, but the corner is drying my tears of useless self-pity.

I start to ignore my me-inside-of-me... and she gets more and more angry.

Me-inside-of-me: "Okay, that was kind of mean. I take it back. Do you want to see something really sad though? It's rather awful.

GO GET A MIRROR, LOSER.

HAHAHA AND NO, I DON'T ACTUALLY TAKE THE JOKE BACK. IF I COULD, I WOULD GO BACK IN TIME... JUST TO SAY IT TO YOU AGAIN.

What are you going to do?

Cry about it?

TOO LATE."

Me-inside-of-me: (suddenly different)

Okay, I really am sorry...

I'll make it better.

Here's a fortune cookie as a truce.

I'll even open it up for you and read you the fortune since your eyes are all watery and filled with tears.

Me-inside-of-me: (continued) "Ahem. Your fortune says:

You will soon be given an award!...

THE AWARD FOR THE BIGGEST LOSER IN THE HISTORY OF LOSERVILLE WHERE ONLY THE LOSIEST LOSERS RESIDE.

Oh, well. At least you still have your cookie?

WRONG AGAIN, IDIOT.

I ALREADY CRUSHED IT ALL. NOW IT REFLECTS WHAT THE SORRY THING YOU CALL YOUR SOUL LOOKS LIKE.

Then from there, it just all went downhill...

Me: (sniffle)

Me-inside-of-me: "Aww... wait, are you... are you CRYING right now?"

Me: "...maybe......."

Me-inside-of-me: "That's just so.... STUPID. WAY TO GO, GENIUS."

Me: "Shut up! I can cry if I want to!"

Me-inside-of-me: "WOW, REALLY? REALLY. YOU ALREADY SEEM TO HAVE A HARD TIME SEEING BECAUSE YOU'RE 'EYES' ARE SO DANG SQUINTY. Now you're... CRYING? GREAT. NOW YOU REALLY CAN'T SEE. Why don't you just go sing a sad song, Stevie Wonder.

Oh wait,

NO ONE CARES.

You'll probably sound like a dying whale stuck in sand anyways.

Like Seabiscuit."

Me: "But... but... that doesn't even make any... Seabiscuit was a hors--"

Me-inside-of-me: "IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT'S DEAD. JUST LIKE YOUR SOUL."

So! I hope you've enjoyed my pictures that demonstrate the vicious, endless cycle in my life! Okay, the main reason I did this was because I didn't want to do my homework for Econ. BUT, I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did while making it. If you know anything about me, you should know that I like making people laugh. So, this is not something that I made so people would feel all sad. Like I said, I WANTED people to laugh at this. Or at least smile.