Today's a Thursday?!

I don't know what I would do without my friends.

Today was one of the most... awkward days of my life. -- I won't say why.

Anyways, as soon as I stepped outside into the perfect weather after school ended, I said, "Guys. We HAVE to play soccer today." After making a series of plans, we agreed to meet up around 5:00 to play. When we all got there, all we had was a ton of food, water, Dr. Pepper, and a soccer ball. The group consisted of: me, Anne, Beka, Lauren, Sydney, Victoria, Vanessa, and Melissa. We started by kicking the ball around randomly and whatnot... then somehow, I started to lose myself. The more we started to play around, the more I started to forget about my awful day. I hadn't laughed this much in a long, LONG time.

We started out by playing a couple games of "soccer" (which soon turned into a game where we just ran around while laughing and breaking every rule of soccer). After we decided that we were "tired", we decided to play red rover (because, you know, that take such LESS energy, right?). We played for a little while before we were "tired" again. Then, we all collapsed and ate and ate and ate. We started to talk about things going on in our lives and laughed at our problems. We threw food at each other. We just kept eating and enjoying each others company. We didn't need anything else. After a while, I jumped back up and insisted that we run around until someone threw up. Obviously, I was kidding. But everyone got up and took their shoes off -- and the next thing I knew, we were playing a game of tag in the dark... all over the soccer field. We played until we all felt tired and worn out. Even though I was physically tired, I felt so alive inside. I pointed at the airplanes and pretended like they were stars. Actually, I really thought they were stars... until they started to move. (It was dark, okay?)

Finally, someone said that we should probably head out since it was completely dark by now, and the soccer complex was technically closed. We all headed to our cars to say goodbye. I, for some reason, decided to crank up some dance/rave music. Next thing I knew, our goodbye session had turned into a dance party. We turned on our lights, and I cranked the music up even more. We flashed our lights and danced with each other like no one was watching. We pulled our cars into a circle and danced in the middle of all of the lights.

It was at that moment that I realized that I had judged today before it was even close to being over. When I look back at today, all of the bad things that happened during school seem so far away now. I legitimately forgot that it was still Thursday. Even though not all of my close friends were there, I still got to enjoy myself so much. I got the break from reality that I needed. Time never stopped, but my perspective changed. I still don't have a solution to everything, but that's okay. That's what God's for. I'm not meant to know everything or control everything. I should be thankful for all of the little things in my life that have been consistent, even when new bad things pop up. Why was I trying to make things so hard? You can be happy at any moment, if you choose to be that way. It's all about your state of mind.

I was reminded today how amazing each and every one of my friends are. Their impact on my life is priceless. It's indescribable. Even this account of my day does not do the few wonderful hours justice. I needed today. Even after I had dropped Victoria and Vanessa off at home, and returned to an empty house, I didn't feel alone. I needed a shower so bad, but I couldn't stop smiling. God is good. He hears our calls. He gave me today for a reason. I LIVED today to the fullest, in my opinion. Tomorrow is always a fresh start.

There's a difference between living your life and merely continuing to exist. I want to LIVE.

Oh, and Victoria just texted me saying: "I have bruises :D" -- like I said, today was unforgettable.

Even Me

This post is not funny. It’s not even remotely funny.

This is something that has been on my heart for more than a few weeks now.

Where do I start? I’m sorry if my thoughts are scattered. I apologize for how rushed this post sounds, also. Oh, and I apologize to my poor computer who is going to endure a lot of abuse from my fingertips here in a second.

God.

A few weeks ago, my life started to change. Somehow, I found myself at one of the lowest points that I had ever been at in my entire life. I wasn’t sure how I had let myself get that low, but there I was. Lost as ever. I was stuck in a cycle of self-pity and self-destruction. I hated myself. I hated everything in my life. I seemed fine on the outside, but I was so broken on the inside. I tried to separate school from church, church from home, home from friends, and friends from etc. But somehow, everything started to mix together until everything became unbearable.

Long story short, I turned to God. Needless to say, it took a while for me to return to God, but I did. Slowly but surely. See, the thing about God is – whether you know it or not, He always has a plan. That tricky little (or not so little) Lord above us knows everything about us.

That’s what killed me.

Throughout my entire life, I’ve struggle with the concept of forgiveness and trust. It takes a lot for me to trust someone. Once you’ve lost my trust… you’d never get it back. So, with family, ex-friends, and everything else… I kept hatred in my heart. I would continue on my “walk with God”, but I kept everything bottled up inside.

Now here’s the thing: that’s not how it works.

It’s like filling a cup up with your feelings. Let’s say that your heart is a cup. You fill most of it with the love that you have for the people close to you. Let’s say that this love is represented by water. Now, let’s add the hatred in. Let’s say that the hatred is represented by… coke. It eats at anything and everything, including the inside of your stomach. Anyways, even just a teaspoon of coke changes the entire composition of what’s inside the cup. Then, when that day comes, where your heart is so overwhelmed – let’s say that someone walks by and slams his/her fists down on the table – your cup spills. What comes out isn’t just the love. It’s the mixture of everything that you had kept inside the cup. You can’t tell that it’s water anymore because of the coke that corrupted it.

Life is the same way.

I kept everything inside until I didn’t know who I was. Then, a few weeks ago, I started to really give myself to the Lord. Maybe it’s because I’m finally graduating. Maybe it was just the right timing.

I know what you’re thinking. A few weeks? Oh, please. You can’t be proud of that. You could easily fail tomorrow. Where is all of this coming from? Oh, trust me. I’ve been fighting the urge to type this for so long. After the Ash Wednesday service tonight, I just couldn’t help myself.

I used to think that too. I would always “go back to God.” But, I would never give all of myself. This time, I started to really try to give all of myself to Him. Because quite frankly, I didn’t have anything left to lose. I started by physically removing things in my life that I resorted to instead of seeking God. I won’t name those things online, but… yeah. That’s when things started to change.

The way I prayed changed. It was no longer an empty string of words. It was me taking time to really pray for a change in my life. To pray for the needs of my friends. To pray for the people who are hurting all over the world. To pray for those who cry out to God everyday. I started to pray that God would shape me and refine me. I wanted to become someone who would make Him happy. I prayed that He would help me to not hate myself anymore.

Then other things in my life started to change. Praise was no longer just an act of standing and singing words half-heartedly. No, praise meant surrendering my all without caring what others thought. Praise meant physically showing that I surrendered my all to Him. Praise started to mean that I glorified God through songs. Whether I was at church, or at my house by myself, praise and worship started to become an intimate time between me and God.

Seeking God meant that I had to stop blocking my ears.

There’s no point in asking God to speak to us if we refuse to open our ears and hearts to receive His word.

I would as God to speak to me all of the time, but I never listened. Once I finally stopped and opened my heart to Him, I started hearing Him… EVERYWHERE. It’s incredible how much He tries to communicate with us. On that note, I kept asking for forgiveness. For the longest time, all I could pray was, “I’m sorry, God. Please for give me. God, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” What I didn’t realize, however, was that He had already forgiven me. Even before I was born, He had died on the cross for me. And you. And yeah, that hobo on the side of the highway. He had already forgiven me of my sins when I repented. But I didn’t see anything change. Why?

I didn’t even forgive myself.

How could I possibly expect to feel a change – to feel forgiven – if I didn’t forgive myself? If I hated myself so much, how could I expect to feel how much God and others loved me? If we close our eyes, we can’t see what God has put before us. We could be standing at the top of the highest mountain and still see nothing – as long as we refuse to open our eyes.

Opening my eyes meant that I surrendered all of myself… all of the time. It meant that I chose my words carefully. It meant that I chose the songs I listen to carefully. I prayed. I read. I sang. I did all of these things – because I wanted to give God my all. Now, I KNOW that these things aren’t hard to do. It’s just a matter of disciplining ourselves. It sounds easy, in theory. SO WHY DON’T WE DO IT?

Surrendering means that we give ALL of ourselves ALL of the time. It means asking God to break our heart for what breaks His. We are called as His people to be a light to this world. We are called to be different. We are called to be different. I recently attended Acquire the Fire, down in Atlanta. I am still wearing my admission bracelet. Why? On it, it says, “NORMAL’S NOT ENOUGH.” It serves as a reminder to me throughout my day. I’m not going to pretend like I don’t need a constant reminder. Just because I haven’t “messed up” yet doesn’t mean that things got easier. But when we choose to give all ourselves to God, He will show Himself to us all of the time.

Today, at the service, I volunteered to be at the foot-washing station. I asked God to use me to minister to people.

The very first person I washed was a little boy named Samuel. When I asked if he had any special needs, he only asked that I pray for his grandmother who couldn’t walk down stairs anymore. As I prayed, my heart started to … I don’t know. It just started doing… something.

As the night progressed, I had requests like:
“Pray that I’ll learn to help others more and that God will give me the capacity to carry burdens for others.”

“Pray that I will learn to quit being a perfectionist and just trust God. Pray that I won’t get overwhelmed by tests at school and in life.”

“Pray for my relationship expectations.”

And so on and so forth.

The more I prayed, the more that I realized that every single request matched what I wanted to pray for myself. As I prayed for others, I was actually the one who was ministered to. As these people cried out to God, He used me to give them strength. Even if it was just a single prayer session, the tears and hugs that I received was more than enough to light my heart on fire.

On the way home, I couldn’t stop praising God out loud. Yes, I was that crazy person talking to herself at the red light. I felt so… ALIVE. The more I surrender to God, the more I feel like I’m finally starting to become ALIVE again.

I used to think that I needed to be perfect to approach God. That’s one of the reasons why I didn’t go to God for several recent years. I’ll be honest. For YEARS, it’s been a back-and-forth struggle of trust and forgiveness. I was so afraid that I wasn’t good enough. So, if I’m already so screwed up, why even try right? If I’ll just fall again… isn’t it just better to stay down here so I don’t get even more bruises and cuts?

I was so, so wrong.

God doesn’t call just the perfect to repent. He calls the sinners and low-lifes. It’s his AMAZING GRACE that saves us! He SAVES us over and over and over and over again. God doesn’t take the perfect and make them… perfect again, He takes the broken and hurting – and heals them and puts them back together. Jesus DIED on the cross for OUR sins so that we might be saved through Him. He came to this world BECAUSE we aren’t perfect. He didn’t come to cast away the sinners – He came to SAVE them. God calls us to live our lives in Him. No matter how far away we stray, He’s always waiting for us to come home to Him.

So I’m not sure where else I’m going with this. I just REALLY REALLY needed to get all of this out there. If my heart exploded, I apologize. I’m not even going to re-read any of that. If you’re still reading this, know that I love you. I’m not saying any of this to judge anyone. If anyone needs to be judged, it’s ME. I just felt like I NEEDED to share this if I wanted to be able to sleep tonight. God loves you, so so so much. And He’s always there. Even in your darkest moment. And you are so precious to Him.

Jesus died for the ones who loved Him. He saved them...

and amazingly, even me.

He died... for you.

The Art of Women

I thought that this would be a fun list to make, mainly because I just finished discussing this topic with several girls and female youth pastors after church earlier tonight.

SO,

ALL OF THE THINGS THAT EVERY GUY OR GIRL SHOULD KNOW ABOUT GIRLS:

(That's such a long title...)

1. Girls are NOT always right. They just happen to always be right... until they themselves realize that they are wrong. Then it's okay for us to be wrong. But until then, you are WRONG.

2. If two girls are arguing with one another, and are on opposite sides, don't get involved -- unless you can somehow magically prove that they're both right. Then, by all means, jump in.

3. If a girl ever takes off her earrings saying that she's mad at you, and she's being serious... RUN. Or go ahead and call 911. Whichever one is more convenient for you.

4. Girls will call a miniature version of anything adorable. That baby walrus? CUTE. That tiny little mini-safety pin that can hold absolutely nothing and serves virtually no purpose? PRECIOUS.

5. If girls are ever hungry, don't be in their way. They're either going to eat the chocolate or whatever, or they're going to eat you. So, either you find them whatever they want to eat, or... yeah. Your choice. Also, if they have a craving, don't ask questions. Just go with it.

6. If a girl chooses to rant to you, whether you agree with them or not, LET HER FINISH. Even if you aren't really listening, NOD YOUR HEAD. Chances are: if she's really ranting, she doesn't actually want to hear what you have to say. She just wants someone to listen. Once she's finished, tell her everything that she wants to hear.

7. All girls love surprises, even if they say that they hate them.

8. If a girl is crying, don't just stare at her like she's a zombie. This is pretty much common sense. Either punch your tear ducts and start crying with her, or just hold her without looking at her.

9. Even if she's your best friend, you can still offend her. Saying "no offense" does not justify negative comments. For example: saying, "No offense, Sally... But you look like you got run over by an extremely long freight train after getting into a fight with King Kong today." will probably offend her. Even if she is wearing your clothes. There are other ways to say insensitive things to sensitive girls.

10. I don't care how close you two are. If you greet your "best girlfriend" with the phrase, "Hey, prostitute. I love you!" -- you have a problem. "Skank" is not an "okay" nickname... even if her first name is Skankishenaia.

11. Every girl is beautiful in her own way and deserves to be happy. Truly happy. And you better believe that she is proud to be a female.

Sing Along

Everyone has at least one song. That ONE song that can single-handedly take them back to a place in the past. Whether you never wanted to see that place again, or cherish the memory with all of your heart... you end up back there. You close your eyes, and you lose yourself.

Or, if you're like me, there is a song for every person you know.

Words and lyrics are so powerful. Even if they don't mean anything now, the fact that they meant something at one point makes them craters that have been created by someone else impacting your heart.

And it drive you crazy. You don't know why you can't let go of the person -- every time you hear that song... or band or whatever else.

The worst part? You listen to the song over and over... because it reminds you of that person. For some reason, you think that listening to the song a bazillion times will help you forget. You think, "Oh hey. This song was totally written just for how I feel right now. It's PERFECT." The song is everything you ever wanted to say to the person or whatever, so you listen to it. You think it'll help you get over it/him/her.

The ironic part? It does the complete opposite. You listen to it so many times until the lyrics are written into your head. Then song gets stuck in your head. It eats at you. It makes your more sad/mad/bitter -- which only makes you listen to the song more. Then you start to get sick of the song, BUT IT STILL SAY EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED TO HEAR. So then there you are: listening to a song that has now become old, but it still feels new. Then you get stuck in a terrible cycle until all you want to do is watch other sad things or eat chocolate and ice cream. Baaad things happen. Seriously.

Songs are like people. People are like songs. I guess that since people are the ones who write songs, that makes sense. (Beckyie smarte smarte rite? :D) There's that one person that you go back to. This one person, whether it's a friend, family member, ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, or whatever, is someone who can break you so easily... if they wanted to. The majority of the time, however, the relationship feels one-sided. You pour your time, thoughts, and whatever else into making sure that you do everything you can for that other person. Half the time you smile just thinking about the things you love about them -- on the other hand, you spend the other half trying to figure out why they're even in your life.

You love them, but you wish you didn't. Well, I take that back. You just wish that you could choose whether you cared about them or not. But, it feels like you have no choice. It's either: you keep giving your all to them, or you feel empty inside. Even if you haven't changed at all, they make you feel bipolar. You just can't explain it. You want to spend time with them all the time, but sometimes, you wish that you had never met them. Are the hurts/letdowns/heartbreaks/whatever else it is for you worth it? You don't know. It feels like you've never had the opportunity to find out.

Just once. For once, you would like them to do the things for you that you do for them. (That's such a weird sentence...) Or at least care the same amount. But they don't, and life moves on. Maybe you're supposed to learn from this. But what should you learn? Should you learn to let go of that person? Or should you learn to love even the worst flaws about them? Should you be patient? Or should you ignore them? Are they worth your time? Should you let them hold your heart? Or should you hide it from them once and for all?

I don't have the answers.

No one does.

Actually, I take that back. Some do.

If no one held the answers... how else would your song exist?

People Person

Obviously, there are several different types of people. Even a simple problem can determine a lot about someone.

Example:

Sally had 836 cookies. She ate half of them. What does Sally now have?

Reactions:

Person 1: “Well, Sally now has 413 cookies remaining. Simple answer. There. This is dumb. I just wasted my time.”

Immediately, the person seeks to answer the question mathematically. They disregard the fact that the notion of eating that many cookies is completely ridiculous. The question is theoretical, therefore, the impossible situation does not affect the impulse to solve the equation at hand. These are typically perfectionists in life. If they have the chance, they’ll overanalyze even the smallest details.

Person 2: “Diabetes. Sally now has diabetes. (hehehe)”

This is the type of person who gets distracted by details that are not essential to the solution. Even though the number that is given is not a huge number, they don’t bother doing the math in their head. Why should they? They’re reading this for entertainment. They are quick to react, but not in the way that the problem demands. They are the laid-back type, typically. When they get frustrated, however, you better watch out. Not to fret, though. Their temper won’t last long.

Person 3: “…..What does this have to do with anything?”

This type of individual questions the question. They ignore the fact that a question expects an answer. They’re indifferent. Unattached. It’s not like they know who “Susie” is. Why should they care how many cookies she eats? She’s grown. She can do whatever she wants. Although these individuals might come across as “uncaring”, that isn’t necessarily the case. Their self-reliance and independence often gets mistaken for apathy. Or maybe it is apathy after all. Does it really matter?

Person 4: “_________________.”

This group has no response. Well, technically, they do. They respond… by not responding. No reaction. They just keep reading. They allow themselves to be molded as they keep reading about the different types of people. By the time they read this, they’ve already forgotten about the original problem that was mentioned.

People, whether they fit into those four categories perfectly or not, have subconsciously sorted themselves into one of the four groups by the time they read this. Maybe they even fit in more than one type. It is human nature to make themselves belong to something, isn’t it? Maybe I’m totally wrong. But this is how I think. I think it’s fun to be like this, no? So, tell me. Which type are you?

…Have you decided which person you are? Of course you have. Are you sure that you placed yourself correctly? Of course you are.

This is the fun part. For me, anyways. I set up things within the text. Just for this moment. Ahem. Allow me to explain:

1. If you truly are Person 1, you would have noticed that the correct answer was 418 cookies.

2. If you really are Person 3, you wouldn’t have noticed the fact that when I described your reaction, within the quote, I said “Susie” instead of “Sally.”

3. If you are indeed Person 2, you wouldn’t have noticed that I didn’t list the persons in order just now. Notice how 3 came after 1 instead of two. … You’re right, it really doesn’t matter to you.

4. If you truly are Person 1, you would have scrolled up to double check that I’m not just pulling your leg. The answer really is 418. Even if you were super sure of yourself… you probably checked. You know, just to make sure you were right all along. Or maybe I’m lying to you. Who knows? Oh wait, you do.

5. If you really are Person 3, you are probably annoyed with all of these “mind tricks” by now. IT DOESN’T MATTER TO YOU, OKAY?

6. You’re Person 4? Then you probably haven’t noticed that I’m already at point 6… and just now finally mentioned you for the first time.

7. Person 2: …Hehehe Sally has diabetes. That's not funny. hehehehe...

This is what I do when I think. I’m not sure what to call it. It’s amusing to say the least – to me, that is.

Even with the kids in the nursery at my church, you can see the different personalities. This past Sunday, we did an activity where we used straws to blow air in order to paint.

Like this:

Briefly, these are the types of kids:

1. The one kid who actually does the activity right. Like all the way until the end. As in keeps blowing until he/she starts to get so dizzy that he/she almost passes out.

2. The kid who tries to eat the paint. Then will argue that he/she did not do such a thing... as he/she is struggling to get the paint off of his/her lips.

3. The kid who gets mad that the straw "doesn't work" and proceeds to use it as a paint brush by dragging it across the paper instead.

4. The kid who just chooses to put down the straw and paint with his/her hands. (Not to get confused with kid #3.)

5. The kid who refuses to paint.

6. The kid who chooses to paint... on another kid.

7. The 17-year-old kid who gets paint in her hair from helping the little kids paint. And also ends up with stickers on her face. And 4 little boys begging her to pick them up and play with them... all at the same time.

Not gonna lie, he's one of my favorites.

My masterpiece:

You have to be really creative to understand my concept. Artistic interpretation is key.

Well, what did you expect?

You know what's super awkward? When your dad walks in, silently inspects everything (including your bathroom...), HOVERS OVER YOUR SHOULDER WHILE YOU TYPE, then asks, "You have a blog?" Needless to say, it made me feel super uncomfortable.

SO, I've been thinking about the word "expectations" lately. In case you haven't noticed... they are EVERYWHERE. They are present at school, home, church, friends, etc., etc., etc.

My questions for you are:

1. WHY ARE THEY EVERYWHERE?!

2. How do we deal with them?

3. What are your expectations for yourself?

Whether you're willing to admit it or not, you hold yourself at some standard. Some choose to push themselves further up than others. At what point is it okay to compromise on our expectations? At what point can we say to ourselves, "Well... I guess things didn't work out the way I expected them to... so I guess I'll settle."? I know that you probably set your standards pretty high. At least I hope you do. So when things seem like they don't reach high enough... what do you do? Do you try harder? Do you get rid of the things holding you back? Or do you let yourself be consumed by negotiations and setbacks?

Everyday, I see people in my life make decisions. Some choose to endure some hurt and hardships... because they know that it'll be worth it in the end. They can see what they want, and they go for it with everything they have. These people might seem to get destroyed the most, but they are also the strongest people that I know/have ever met. I can't tell what exactly they're going through from a normal conversation. I have to really search to find the ways that they subtly call out for help. They're the ones who go through so much, but still try to offer themselves to others. They're the ones who will end up truly happy in their lives.

Some choose to lie to themselves. It's like they only have silver coins in their hands... but they close their eyes and tell themselves that the coins are actually made out of gold. The fact that they have any money at all is what seems to matter the most. They desperately try to be content at all times by reaching for the things that they think will make them happy... then they hang on to those things. Even if those things don't meet their expectations. Later, they wonder why they aren't happy. It's like they're so desperate for the world's definition of "happiness" that they're blind to the fact that they are ones who are actually keeping themselves from true happiness. (Did that make sense?) The simple truth is: settling for less always comes at a cost. Why do you save up to buy something expensive for so long... then spend it all on cheaper things instead? You will always see what you could've had -- and you will see the thing that you settled for, and it will tear you down little by little every day.

Then you have the people who let this world rule them. They let the unhappiness inside of them grow and grow until they become bitter and spiteful. They envy what others have. They anticipate so much... but do so little. They wait for everything to come to them. Honey. Let me just tell you something. As long as you are sitting on the opposite side of the field... that ball of happiness will never come rolling over to you. You might get lucky of someone is willing to kick/pass it to you -- but don't hold your breath.

To be quite honest, I'm not sure where I'm going with any of this.

Keeping all of this in mind, HOWEVER -- if we live in an imperfect world... is the act of settling necessary to achieve the maximum level of happiness? Should we make our expectations low just to "make sure" that we don't fall short?

NO. My personal answer is simply: no. Settling is never necessary in order to find true happiness.

But don't lie. We all do it. Whenever you take a test at school, you always say something like, "Oh my gosh. I just completely bombed that test." Even if you studied for 29374923874239 hours, you keep telling yourself that you failed. Why? Because we get overjoyed when we EXCEED our expectations. This does not mean that we should just lower all of our expectations though. If you do that just to be surprised by life's outcomes... please slap yourself.

I'm just going to stop here because it's late and I have no idea what I'm saying anymore.

Who doesn't love a good quote? Or three?

"In a word, I was too cowardly to do what I knew to be right, as I had been too cowardly to avoid doing what I knew to be wrong."

"If you can't get to be oncommon through going straight, you'll never get to do it through going crooked."

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts."

-Great Expectations