All the Little Things

I'm in a terribly emotional mood. And I shouldn't be blogging. OH WELL. Imma big girl. I'll do what I want.

Don't read this if you're smiling. Seriously.

It's all of the little things in life.

It's the things that slowly pass by... but seem to be gone in a blink when you look back.

The closer graduation gets... the more I'm starting to look back. And blink.

Whenever my grandmother came to visit for Christmas, along with almost EVERYONE else on my mom's side, my heart broke. The grandma who used to babysit my sisters and I, the one who would make us laugh, the one who was once invincible -- walked into our house using a cane. All like 17 of us watched her walk in. For the first time in my life, I saw my grandmother with a cane. She was also being supported by my uncle. I wanted her to hug me and pick me up like she used to... but she couldn't. I wanted to rush to her and completely tackle in her in a huge bear hug since I hadn't seen her in a few years, but I couldn't. Instead, I just watched silently as she slowly came into our house. I bit my lip so I wouldn't cry like an idiot. I waited for her to approach me. My mom gently pushed me forward and said, "Mom, this is Suh-Hee." It killed me inside when I saw my grandmother's face light up. She couldn't believe that I was this tall and that I was so pretty and that I was taller and that I was so grown up now and that I was taller and that she barely recognized me and that I was taller. (...Is it seriously shocking people that I'm over 5 feet now?)

I waited for her to walk over to me and give me a hug. I lightly hugged her at first. One of those gentle, awkward, barely touching hugs. I felt like she was a new born baby that I had to delicately handle. Then, much to my surprise. She crushed me. She held me so tight. It's like it was God's way of letting me know, "Yes, there's still a tiger fighting inside of her. She's still here." I let a couple tears escape as I hugged her back more firmly. I know I sound like a sap. But shut up. I love my family. I would do anything for them. Honest.

Throughout her stay, however, it was apparent that time had taken its toll. She rested a lot more than I remembered in the past. She couldn't go out with us a few of the times because it would have been too much for her. She asked the same question over and over throughout each day. She asked me questions as if I were still in middle school. For dinner on Christmas night, my grandmother said a prayer. As she prayed, I couldn't help but start crying. My grandmother and mother have always been such strong prayer warriors, and that was something that was obviously never going to change. People that my mom have prayed for will tell you stories that will blow you away. Like legit. As my grandmother prayed that evening, I silently shed a few tears. I felt like a fool -- until I looked up at the end, that is. Turns out that I'm not the only one who cried. Go figure.

I'm gonna stop talking about my grandma now so that I don't cry again. That would be like the third time today.

My father. My dear father. The man who has been helping me with my college applications.

He's changed. Obviously. I mean, yes. We all have changed. But I realized today just how much he's changed. I've spent all morning with him in his office -- like I used to when I was a kid. I used to get so super excited about tagging along. I would even figure out ways to sneak past my mom so that I could go to work with my dad. My dad would laugh and "lie" to my mom and I ducked in the backseat. My mom would just give the look and my dad would shrug.

I used to grab my dad's legs when he tried to go on business trips. My dad's normally in the country for about half of the year, at the most. Anyways, I used to cry whenever my dad was gone. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night unless I climbed into my mom's bed. Which I did this past time that he was gone.... IT WAS ONE TIME, OKAY? I LOVE MY MOM. DON'T JUDGE ME.

Anyways, sitting here, I notice that my dad looks... tired. Kind of like my grandma. His hair looks grayer, thinner. He sighs a lot more often than I remember. He picks up his paper, squints at it, then puts on his glasses. He used to have perfect vision and never need glasses. He used to sneak me chocolate while he worked... now he tells me to quit stealing all his candy because I'll get obese. (Thanks, Dad.) I used to hide under his desk and pop out to scare him... now I'm afraid I'll make his heart stop. Right now, he reminds me of the old man from Up. He's got a sweater-vest thing, and he just looks sad. He's slightly hunched over. He's tired. He's slower. He's got more things pressing on his heart now. I can feel the burden on him... and it hurts. My dad and I have had our differences and struggles over the years, and still do, but at the end of the day, he's my dad. And nothing will change that.

There's no way that your heart doesn't melt at that.

It's like the beginning of the movie when the old man's entire life passes by in about 10 minutes. It breaks my heart. I look at the pictures around my dad's office. Pictures of me wearing my dad's graduation robe and hat that's too big for me. Pictures of Phoebe with the Easter bunny. Pictures of my mom holding Pris when she was first born. Pictures of my mom and dad peaking around opposite sides of the same tree on their wedding day, smiling. Time flies. And never stops. People leave. People change. I'm leaving soon, hopefully. I'll grow. I'll learn. But I'll always be my parents' baby. I'll always be my grandmother's little President/Boss/Captain, as she calls me. And I'll always be God's daughter.

Lastly,

I'll forever be myself. I promise. I love you.

Playback 2011.

You people.

Yes, you. No, I'm not just talking about the people who have blogs. I'm talking about EVERYONE. And no, I am seriously not trying to make fun of anyone. You should know me by now. I'm not a mean person. I just think that, since everyone is doing these month-by-month recaps... I should NOT do one. Does that make sense?

It's sort of hilarious really.

Everyone knows EXACTLY where January 1st is located on the calendar. But for some unknown reason, everyone acts completely surprised like 3 days before New Years. Even if they've been counting down since like... the day their mother was born.

They're still like, "OH MY GOSH, NEW YEARS IS IN LIKE ONE DAY. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY AM I READING THIS IN SUCH A LOUD VOLUME IN MY HEAD? EVEN THOUGH SHE POINTED IT OUT, IT'S ALL STILL SO LOUD IN MY HEAD. OH MY GOSH. I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT IT'S ALMOST 2012. Wait, no I didn't."

And then here's the kicker, suddenly everyone wants to recap EVERYTHING that happened... since like January 1st. Even if it's things they swore that they wanted to forget or that they would try their very best to forget... they bring it back up. It's all a part of starting the new year off "right". I've even had face-to-face conversations with people who clearly state, "Hmm... the most embarrassing moment of 2011 that I wanted to completely forget was _____________." It's like: Oh, here. Let me tell you the ENTIRE STORY so that you'll know. Because obviously you'll forget once it's officially 2012. Everyone know that people's memories get wiped at the start of every year.

It's 2:05 A.M. and I can't sleep. AT ALL. So my mind is a tad bit more fried than usual. It's a good thing I'm not stressed out at all! Man, I'm so glad that I have the energy to be completely, 100% wide-awake at TWO IN THE MORNING and BLOG ABOUT IT. Can you feel the sarcasm, Em?

.....

Anyways.

Here's my official New Year post:

January/February/March/April/May/June/July/August/September/October/December:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

YES, this photo has absolutely nothing to do with New Years. BUT, if you did NOT laugh or at least smile at that... you need to learn to loosen up a bit. Like seriously. It's 2 in the morning, I just got done watching like 4 sad movies today, and I've seen that picture before -- and I STILL think it's amusing.

Scroll up and look at it again.

No, seriously. Look at it again. It'll take you like two seconds to scroll back up.

Hehehe.

Instead of posting a month-by-month detailed post, I've decided to post that picture instead. Why? Because that's the type of person I am. Yes, I'm sentimental. But I know that I couldn't possibly do this past year the justice of writing about it all. I've had some amazing memories and some... not so great ones. But haven't we all? I'm NOT going to recap drama. I'm NOT going to talk about the things that pissed me off. I'm also NOT going to try to talk about the fun times. Why? There's no point. If I can look back on the up's of this year (that outnumber the bad times) and smile, I don't see the need to share every detail. I can't possibly relay what the wonderful times were like from my perspective, and I'm not going to make the memory less awesome in my mind by trying to type it all out. Plus, you probably don't care about every little story anyways. C'mon. Let's be real.

LET ME PAUSE to say that I have thoroughly enjoyed reading other people's posts though. They're adorable and touched my heart. Sincerely. Don't let this post make you think that I didn't enjoy them. I just wanted to be different. That's all. PLUS, I'd probably go insane if I went on Facebook and scrolled all the way down to freaking January -- just to write a blogpost. You have so much patience and dedication and time - and I respect that. Or if you're like Kayla, you just have nothing better to do. (Yes, Kayla. I'm making fun of you. On the internet. On my blog that I know for a fact several people -- including you -- read.)

So, I skipped November up there earlier. Don't believe me? Go check.

If you actually looked, I'm ashamed. Have some faith in me, eh?

Since I skipped it, here it is.

November:

1. My birthday (which was 11/11/2011). I actually didn't even make a wish on 11:11 P.M. Why? Because I know God has a plan. And I had my family and friends and every else that I needed. ... and because I started to get super paranoid that if I made a MAJOR wish, it would actually come true. But like all screwed up. Like Final Destination or whatever. Anyways, just focus on the God part. I didn't make a wish because I had Jesus. That sounds better, right? Right? ...

2. Thanksgiving. Traditions die hard. And so does your body. If you eat food and watch movies for 8 hours with your older sister like you do every year. In a dark room. That you never leave. Just... yeah.

3. I applied to my first college! Don't laugh, that's mean.

4. ...Veteran's Day?

5. Um... um... ummmm.... yay November?.....

6. Oh, the fall play happened! Where I got one of the main roles... who was an idiot. Yeah. I could delete number 5 and put this there. But I won't. Because I'm lazy. Even though actually by explaining that I'm lazy, I typed more. And put in more effort. I'm still doing it. ....

7. I'm running out of things, so I'll just post some funny pictures. Okay? Cool.

So, there. If you're still reading... I've successfully wasted your time, and I hope you have a lovely Happy New Year! And just because it's 2012 doesn't mean that you'll completely disregard/forget about 2011. Also, I'm not making New Year resolutions. Actually, none that I'm going to openly declare. C'mon on. I'm not THAT dedicated to the new year that bring a fresh start and loads of potential. It's not like the beginning of the year is an opportune time to do these things and start over ..... wait a second --

Tell me you love me? Please?

-Bee.

P.s. IT IS NOW 3:05 A.M.

The Land of Hipsters

I am officially a hipster. No, not really. In all seriousness though, I spent about 4 hours at Starbucks today. FOUR hours. Why? Oh, you know. The usual. Last minute college essays. Dad was all, "Oh, don't worry. You've got plenty of time. DO NOT start on the extra essays until I get home from Korea. I'm Jackie Chan, and I know what I'm doing and blah, blah, blah, -- ..." Can you tell I'm a bit stressed? Actually the LAST thing I want to do/should be doing right now is writing. OH WELL. I'll be fine. Oh, don't give me that.

.....

I'M PERFECTLY FINE, OK?!

Now, I'm sure that all of us have been so Starbucks at some point in our lives. I'm also sure that you've probably noticed the different types of people there.

WELL, since I was there for FOUR HOURS today, I decided to blog about certain types of people. Just for fun.

Ahem.

This is what happens whenever someone goes by themselves:

Every trip to Starbucks starts out innocent.

You walk in.

Take in the smell of fresh coffee.

Everybody acts intensely busy or important... even if they're not.

You don't make eye contact with anyone.

You try to take a subtle glance at the menu. (You don't want to seem like you don't know what you're ordering already.)

And are SUPER DETERMINED to sound like a pro whenever you order your drink.

You look like a kid setting out on his/her first adventure.

Okay, fine. If you're like me -- then you're yellow. SO hilarious.

Better? Meanie face.

Anyways, you're patiently waiting in line.

You check your phone for just the perfect amount of time so you seem busy like everyone else.

You put your phone in your pocket -- only to regret doing so.

You can't just whip it back out -- NO, now you must wait.

Pull it out too soon, and you'll look desperate.

So you cooly wait... and wait... and...

OKAY IT'S BEEN AT LEAST 47 SECONDS NOW SO YOU PULL IT BACK OUT.

Then you casually check... EVERYTHING.

I'm talking Facebook, Twitter, texts... everything.

And of course -- this is like the one time where NO ONE is texting you.

You get like like 15 messages before walking inside...

... then NOTHING. Nada. It's like everyone all of a sudden was like, "Oh, now she's not busy. She has nothing to do except check her phone while waiting in line. ...I guess I'll stop bothering her now."

THEN you figure out what you want...

Yes.

NO.

Well... yes.

No.

Definitely maybe.

Do I want...?

No.

Wait, yes.

GOD WHY IS THIS SO HARD.

Yes.

FINE, I'LL JUST GET A WATER.

Wait, I'm at Starbucks. NO.

Okay, I got it.

... I think.

Okay, so you decide on a caramel brulée latte. (Only professionals should order this. You'll see why.)

What size should you get?

The longer the line is... the bigger you start to think.

Don't lie. You know it's true.

THEN, you get to the register. And you're SUPER determined to sound cool when you order.

You look at the lady.

You have to get this just right.

Now, what did I decide on?

Ah, yes. A caramel brulée latte. Like a BOSS.

You look at the lady again.

You think to yourself, "Now, does she seem like she would pronounce 'caramel' like 'keh-rah-mel' or like 'karhmel' or like 'krml'. Maybe she thinks that like the 'c' is silent or something. Gah, I don't know. I DON'T KNOW HER LIFE, OK?!"

So you take a deep breath.

The chick smiles at you and says, "What can I get for you?"

Pff. This chick's totally a 'keh-rah-mel' type of girl.

You say, "Um, I would like one grande keh-rah-mel brulée latte."

Except you're trying way too hard to sound like a pro.

So it comes out like, "I would like agrancaraléette."

Everyone knows that ordering at Starbucks means that you talk faster.

But, it's okay, I mean, c'mon. She's a total pro too.

So she's all like, "Is that all for you today?"

You smile and nod. You start to mentally pat yourself on you back... WAIT--

She confirms, "So that's one grande karhmel brulée latte.

SHOOT. She was a 'karhmel'. Not a 'keh-rah-mel'. Idiot.

You mentally kick yourself as you move out of line.

But you still smile and move on like a boss.

MOVING ON:

There are several different types of people that you run into at a Starbucks:

THE LITTLE KID:

Ah, yes. This is the typical, under-11-years-old child. Mommy FINALLY let him order his own drink. Like a grown up. He has a wrinkled 5 dollar bill in his hand. He looks at the menu like it's magic -- kind of like he's dead with his eyes open. -- wait is he... nope, he blinked. Okay, we're good. He looks like this:

He goes up there. And sounds like this, "Ummmmmmm hhhhhmmmmmmmm, I would liiiiiike ...... hmmmm..... -10 minutes later- I would like one medium hot cocoa."

There are just SO many things wrong with that sentence. But hey, I won't judge.

THE SUPER INTENSE LADY:

When I say super intense, I mean SUPER INTENSE. She's the lady who has an expensive purse, two cell phones, business attire, a fax machine in her back-pocket -- the WHOLE sha-bang.

She's all, "Yes, I would like a grande chai tea latte with soy milk and -an hour later after giving super specific instructions- with a hint of caramel and half a teaspoon of whip cream. Oh, and no foam." And she makes your order look pathetic. What a tool.

THE NOT-SO-INTENSE GUY

This guy has the typical striped-shirt, nice pants look going on. He's got one cell phone... in a case... on a holster... on his belt. Slightly-expensive looking watch. He's the normal dad.

Why, yes. That is indeed Rick Perry. ... hehehe.

He gets up there and smiles. All he says is, "The usual, please." And voila. He's done. Show off.

THE PHONE GUY:

There's always that one dude who thinks that his life is so important. He has to be on the phone 24/7 to handle business. He talks the ENTIRE time that he's in the line.

WOW, what a creeper.

He gets up to the counter. He's STILL on the phone. Is he?... Yep, he's trying to use sign language.While pretending to pay attention to what the person on the phone is saying. What the-- she actually got his order? Seriously?

It's okay, though. He'll probably spill his coffee when he tries to add sugar to it.

THE WATER-DRINKER:

Need I say more? Believe it or not, there are people who go to Starbucks...and try to order water. WATER. What are you, a plant? Geez. That's disgusting.

This is all they get.

They're all, "May I have a glass of water?" -awkward pause- "Um... you want a... water?" "Yes, please." "-to fellow worker- Hey, do we actually sell water here?"

THE HIPSTER:

Ah, yes. The hipster. Every Starbucks comes with one, two, or forty of these. Typical striped-hoddie, dark jean, (glasses optional,) laptop-carrying, headphone-wearing -- hipster. They have that I-shave-but-just-enough-so-it-looks-like-I-actually-don't look. You never actually SEE them ordering coffee, but you're pretty sure that they live off of it. And they LIVE at Starbucks.

I have no idea why I blogged about this... Oh, well. It was fun. I know it was long, but hey, I included pictures this time. I hope I made you laugh or at least smile.

Smile,

B.

Letting Go of Myself

DISCLAIMER: If you read blogs for the sake of being entertained, skip this one. No, seriously. If you read to learn about gossip and who-hates-who, don’t even go past this sentence. I really won’t be offended if you don’t read this one. (You know that I can’t actually tell whether or not you read my stuff, right?) If you are one of those people who read blogs out of boredom, then you should REALLY skip this one. If you aren’t serious about certain things, you’ll despise this post and think it’s stupid. I am well aware that the majority, if not all, of the people who read this will think that I am pathetic (and that this entire blog is pointless). I don’t care. This has been trapped inside of me long enough.

SECOND DISCLAIMER: Anytime I use the words “you”, “we”, “us”, or etc., I am more than likely actually referring to myself. You’ll see what I mean.

So, all disclaimers aside… I see that you’re still reading. I hope that this means you genuinely want to read this. Don’t force yourself to read something just for the sake of reading it. This is something that has been on my heart. I won’t sleep until I finally type all of this out.

Now. This is my question to you:

How did we end up here?

This is something I continue to ask myself a lot. Here represents the place where you don’t want to be. For every person, here can mean something different. For me, here represents the hole that I recede to in my life (mainly referring to my spiritual life). It’s a hole that I can easily fall into but can’t just hop out of. Sometimes I feel trapped and hopeless... so I quit fighting. Or, if I do decide to try to escape, here is the place that I cry out from with tears streaming down my face. I get down on my knees and give all that I have to pleading for help and forgiveness. Here is a place built with insecurities and hurt. It’s very walls are made out of fear and scars. I don’t know what exactly it’s like for you, but I’m sure that you get the general gist of it.

Here’s the thing:

We don’t get here by accident.

It’s not like, “Oh! Dear me, I accidentally tripped into this giant hole of depression and fear. Silly me, I’m such a klutz! Hehehe, whoops!” No, that’s ridiculous. Like a famous Casting Crown song says:

“… It's a slow fade when you give yourself away

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray

Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade…”

We get to this place that we loathe and fear through choices that we make. They’re not necessarily monumental decisions either, even though they could be. All of the little compromises that we make in our daily lives build up to this. All of the sins that we commit, whether big or small, hang on to us. They drag us down… and here’s the kicker, we let them. We let ourselves be completely consumed by this world. We choose our words and actions, and they can be detrimental.

It’s like we slowly let ourselves wear down and spiral further and further from where we should be… and we don’t seem to notice until we’re so far from our starting point that we feel lost. It’s like by the time we finally look up to see where we are, we feel hopeless. We start to say things that we normally wouldn’t say. We do things that hurt ourselves or others who care about us. We change. We block people out. We block God out. We become a hollowed out person who feels like he/she is a lost cause. We do things that we regret. We numb ourselves… then we become desperate to feel something. Anything.

We lose sight of the truth. We start to believe whatever we need to in order to get to tomorrow. We fight everyday, just to see the light of the next morning. We cry. We give up.

But God never gives up. He never leaves us.

I know that those two sentences are easier to accept and agree with when things are easy. But those statements are always true. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of my struggles in life, it’s that God is here. In that place where you feel completely alone and hopeless, God is holding you close. When you cry, God is there catching your tears. He is the voice of truth. In all of the chaos, he stands strong and resolute. When you can’t stand, He holds you up. This world will fade away, but God will always reign over everything. The things that nothing in this world can give you… God can. I can honestly say that the moments that I’ve been the happiest in my life were moments where I felt God.

The next question we ask ourselves is:

How do we get out of here?

Now, this is where I think I go wrong most, if not all, of the time. The majority of us in this world tend to live in a cycle. We screw up. We pray. We expect everything to be okay again. What kind of life is that? How can we say we love God but continue to live in such a frustrating cycle? If we love God so much, why do we settle? Why do we not change? Why do we only give a part of ourselves but expect all of God in return? How can we possibly expect one prayer to be our saving grace for the rest of our lives?

We can't put one quarter in a gumball machine and expect to get a million gumballs.

Our relationship with God is not a one-time deal. It’s not some contract we sign then forget about. We can’t have anger and perversion inside of our hearts and expect Jesus to come and live inside of it. Like any other relationship, we have to constantly work at our bond with Christ. We can’t ignore our friends for a long time, then come back and expect to pick up right where we left off. No matter how close two people are, they’ll eventually grow apart if they don’t make an effort to include each other in his/her life. If we want Him in our lives, we have to strive to make him a part of it.

We can’t ask Him to catch us if we aren’t willing to let go. We can’t grab at Him if our hands are full of worldly, sinful things. No lasting relationship is built in just one day. Sure, that initial beginning only takes a moment. But what defines that relationship from that point forward is the effort and love and care that is put forth. There is no in-between. But there is a hell and a heaven. God has given us the chance to love and worship and follow. Whether or not we choose to take advantage of what has been given to us defines our consequences.

I don’t want to live my life having to question whether or not I am doing everything right. I want to live with passion and overflowing love. I want to go to bed with a smile on my face. I want to make the most of my life. I want to live. But I know that in order to get to where I ultimately want to be, it begins today. And it won’t end tomorrow. In order to create a strong foundation, I must place brick by brick. If we want our relationship with God to last, we must continue to mold it everyday. All of the little things that are wrong in my life need to be fixed. I need to change. I need to give myself completely in order to be transformed. And that starts now. We might not have tomorrow. That’s scary, but it’s reality.

There is not a single soaring skyscraper out there that was built in one day.

Skyscrapers are separate from the buildings around them. They soar to touch the sky. Everyone looks up to them. Even if they are among other gargantuan buildings in a crowded city, they stand out. They stand resolute. They fight the wind and storms. They provide shelter to those in need. People can see them from afar and they admire them. I want to be a skyscraper. I want to rise for God. I want others to see me and see the great works of God reflected. I want to give God the glory that He rightfully deserves. I want to do amazing things for Him. But in order to do that, I must live my everyday life in a reverent way. I must protect my body, God’s temple. I have to separate myself from worldly things, like John the Baptist did. He lived apart from the rest of the sinful world in order to serve God. I can’t ask God to use me if I’m not fit for His work.

So, does your life reflect what you want?

Are you living your life?

Do you have a place in your heart ready for God?

What are you willing to do for Him today?

Are you living like there is no tomorrow?

I dare you to move.

Why am I so distrac-- DID YOU GET A HAIRCUT?!

DISCLAIMER: The following post is extremely personal. The only reason I am posting this is to hopefully use this as a way of conquering my fears and obstacles. You may already know these things about me – if you do, you should be proud that I’m willing to finally try to come to terms with it by means other than keeping everything to myself. Lately, I’ve been starting to try to pray about things more and talk about things more to a certain extent. It’s been weird and hard for me, but I have to do this. Ultimately, I am doing this for myself.

There are numerous things in this world that I can’t describe.

For example, I can’t describe the way that my best friend can make me completely melt. She has the most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen in my life and staring at them can make my heart stop, I swear. I feel like God place her directly in my life, and I am thankful for her every day. Without a word, she can make me feel as if I’m somewhere else. She makes me want to be the best that I could possibly be and more. I hope you know who you are. If you don’t, then I’m a terrible friend.

There are just some things that I can’t explain.

No matter how many times I delete these sentences or reword them, I can’t relay what’s inside my mind.

I wish that I could just pop both you and me into my mind and give you a personal tour.

Ever since I was a little kid, I LOVED being outside. The only strictly “indoor” activity that I could concentrate on was solving puzzles. Any kind. Like jigsaw puzzles and junk. I started doing puzzles at a really early age, and I could easily finish a 1,000 piece puzzle by the time I was 9 or 10. Most of the time, however, I would much, much rather be outside running around than locked away inside somewhere reading a book.

When I read, unless it’s my “type” of book, I can’t concentrate. At all. I can read the same page fifty bazillion times and still have no idea what the main character’s name is. When I take notes, I normally have to be playing with something. My hands will always be folding origami or twirling a pen or playing with my rings. I hardly ever actually take notes. I can normally just listen to a lecture and absorb information by asking questions and making eye contact with my teachers.

Yes, I just rambled about something that was somewhat random. I actually do this a lot when I try to write blog posts. Truthfully, I delete about half of the paragraphs/words in my posts because they don’t pertain to the topic at hand. I don’t know why I let myself write them to begin with. I just kind of get carried away I guess. You can ask my closest friends. I’ll talk in circles all day if you let me. I’ll analyze everything and try to find a logical explanation for everything.

I literally just got up and walked out of my room… only to wonder what I was doing. I’m not sure what just happened. Trust me, my attention span is actually way smaller than you think. I’m such a kid at heart; it’s not even funny.

Okay. Focus, Becky. Come on, Bee. Focus. Whew. Anyways:

When I take tests… I pretty much die inside. My mind blanks completely. I start to get really nervous. My eyes have trouble focusing. My heart rate shoots up. I feel like I’m going to explode inside. I can’t sit still. I fidget and tap my pencil and shake my leg and drive myself insane. I sometimes start to sweat or breathe weird. It’s actually extremely embarrassing. I feel like I’m going to cry or run around or scream. Even just thinking about it now, I’m starting to feel anxious. I apologize if my sentences are run-ons or grammatically confusing. Anytime I take a test at school or work on something that requires concentration, I normally always have headphones in.

Why? Because music is my therapist.

This is the part that I can’t explain very well. For some reason, music has always been a calming factor in my life. Whether I’m playing it or listening to it, my mind calms down. I can literally spend hours just playing music by myself. Even if it’s just repetitively playing a passage from a difficult concerto on my violin to get it perfect, I’m patient. I can go for quite a long time without ever saying a word -- as long as I’m playing something. It’s as if music can stop time for me. Whenever I play music, I become myself. Not what anyone else says or thinks I should be. I’m ME. And just me. I create what I feel inside. All of the words and feelings that are trapped inside flow out. If you ever want to feel what’s inside my heart, just ask me to play something for you. It doesn’t matter on what instrument, you can feel me. I promise. This probably sounds strange, but it’s true. You can tell. According to other people, there’s a certain way that I act/look when I’m playing music. I would honestly die without music.

My mind is a contradicting paradox. I either notice everything … or I’m so busy/distracted that I can’t remember anything. Allow me to explain.

When I was a kid, I remember a specific event that happened at the church my dad used to pastor in Korea. Someone called my mother asking her to come to the children’s nursery right away. I, of course, followed.

When we got there, this lady was freaking out. She explained that there was a small needle that had gotten lost in the nursery. Most of the kids were barefoot, and she was starting to worry that someone would get hurt.

To this day, I honestly can’t tell you what else she said. I know that that sounds awful, and I would never do something like this if it were to happen in the present. As she started to explain what had happened, I tuned her out. Why? My eyes had already scanned the entire room -- and found the needle. I searched all the logical places it could be. It was lying about 10 feet away from where we were all standing. I remember pointing at it and loudly declaring, “MOM, I FOUND IT.” I’m pretty sure that I cut off the lady mid-sentence, but like I said, I have no idea what she was even saying.

From where we were standing, my mom and the lady couldn’t see it. They thought I was trying to be dumb. So, I walked over and picked it up. “SEE, I TOLD YOU, MOM. 서희 DO GOOD. …may I get some ice cream now?”

I could probably tell you things about yourself that you’ve never noticed. I remember things that happen or stuff that people tell me -- and for some reason, they’re shocked whenever I repeat it back to them a long time after they’ve forgotten that they told me to begin with. It’s both a blessing and a curse. I remember details that others don’t even notice. Even if it’s something I just happen to glance at, I can tell you everything that was there. I construct a picture in my mind. Even when I’m trying to sort things out logically, I can close my eyes and build it in my head. I can scatter my notes around the room and walk around from sheet to sheet. I’ll not only learn what was on the pages, but I will usually memorize where exactly each sentence was located. Don’t get me wrong though. I know for a fact that I’m not perfect. And my mind is definitely FAR from perfect.

ON THE OTHER HAND, there are times where I feel like I’m about to explode. My mind is restless. I can’t seem to focus on anything. If you feel like I’m having a hard time focusing, the best way to snap me out of it is by grabbing my face and forcing me to make eye contact with you. Because if I truly am zoned out… I won’t notice the things around me. I’m like a little kid, I’m telling you. Especially when it comes to sleeping at night. There is just so much on my mind. I can’t sleep at night anymore. Even if I “head to bed” at like 9:00, I won’t actually be asleep til about 2:00. Every night. I’m seriously not exaggerating.

BUT, the explanation for all of that is another post for another day. I’ve already rambled on too much. So yes, this post was pointless. I’ll post a more “thought-provoking” piece soon. I just did this because I had too much on my mind, and I figured I might as well talk about something useless.

Oh look! A cow!

-Becky

Please don't read this.

Seriously, you will lose respect for me if you read this. Don't ask me why I posted this. I have no idea.

Why are you still reading this?! Fine, you know what, go ahead. Read this. No, wait, I take that back...

Anyways:

College.

God, I would love to go simply one hour without hearing that word.

That’s all I seem to hear nowadays. College. Future. Plan. Acceptance.

I’ve literally spent over 8 hours sitting in the same room. I’m supposed to be studying, filling out applications, and writing essays. What have I been doing instead? … absolutely nothing.

I’ve left the room exactly three times. Twice to go to the bathroom, which is actually in the connected office next door, and once to walk around outside and to go get some food, even though I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted an excuse to not think about anything else.

I tried to clear my head by listening to music, which I am STILL DOING. 8 hours later.

I tried to draw to get some motivation. I literally silently sat and stared at a blank piece of paper for over two hours. THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS COME TO.

I paced around the same spot like I usually do when I’m deep in thought trying to absorb information. Nothing. I laid on the ground and stared at the ceiling. Still nothing.

I have SO MUCH that I need to be doing… that it makes me want to do absolutely nothing. Does that even makes sense? You know what, at this point, I don’t even care whether I make any sense or not. I just want to eat lots of ice cream, watch a bazillion chick flicks, and cry. Just… cry.

To clarify, I’ve been at my dad’s office all day. I didn’t even venture into the hallways. Why? Because then everyone and their mom would ask what my plans for my life were. I’ve known most of these pastors and professors since I was born. They’ve watched me grow up, and now THEY ALL KNOW THAT I’M A SENIOR.

Am I honestly supposed to have my whole life figured out – even though I’m only sixteen? It seems like a bit much.

STOP READING THIS.

So to those who are curious:

No, I don’t know where I’m going to college yet.

No, I don’t know what I want to freaking major in. (And if I don’t know what to major in, what in the world would make you think that I know what I want my career to be?)

No, I haven’t even applied anywhere.

No, I’m probably not even going to college.

Yes, I am aware that I am Asian and will shortly be disowned.

Yes, I am also aware that I have consumed way too much caffeine today.

Yes, that is chocolate on my face. DON’T JUDGE ME.

Yes, I have accepted the fact that I probably won’t be able to reach my dreams.

No, I have not been studying like I should have been.

No, you may not wipe the chocolate off my face.

Yes, I still refuse to stay in Cleveland.

Yes, I am a big girl and will be fine without your stupid Kleenex to wipe my pathetic tears with.

SO... WHY ARE YOU STILL READING?!

The fact is, I’m graduating. Whether I like it or not, the future is coming. But you know what? Yeah, I wasted today. I completely wasted it. But tomorrow is right around the corner. And I’m not going to waste it. Today allowed me to sort through a lot of things. And no matter how hard things get, I can’t give up. I can’t just quit. I have too many people who expect things out of me. I expect even more out of myself. So, I’m going to give until there’s nothing left to give.

Normally, I’m afraid to admit that I’m trying. Why? Because then you would know whether or not I failed. If no one knows that I’m trying, then no one will know if I fall on my face. Yes, it’s a stupid way of thinking. BUT, it’s MY way of thinking. Disappointment is the worst end result possible. But NO. I’m facing my fears of falling. So yeah, I’m going to openly try from now on. Maybe it’s too late to get the results that I want, but I’m still going to push forward.

So, I hope you’ll watch me. And if you see me trip and collapse, I hope you’ll help me get back up. I hope you’ll keep pushing me until I can stand up by myself again. I never ask for help because I don’t want to be a burden to others, but I am now asking for your help. I need help. I simply cannot do this on your own.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my senior year, it’s that I need God. I cannot do anything without him.

I’m always like, “Okay, God. I really need you. Yeah, I totally cannot do this without you.” BUT, then I turn around and try to have full control of the situation. I try to get the outcome to match my selfish wants, not what He has planned for me. And God has patiently showed me time and time again that I never trust Him. I never have 100% faith in Him. My words contradict my action over and over again.

So, as you can clearly see, I have a lot of things to work on. Why am I blogging about all of this? Because if I keep it inside, I’ll explode. So... I'm... going to shut up and go work on my essays now.

I can't believe that you read this. Even after I said not to! Don't deny it. You're still reading. Go do something productive. And NO, making fun of me is not considered productive.

PUSH me. I DARE you.

NOTE: Remember, I draw these pictures with my THUMB. So don't judge me.

My older sister and I have ALWAYS been inseparable.

Don't laugh. It's true.

We either did everything together like twins.....

or we were passionately beating the living Asian out of each other --

and it took all of my mother's strength to pull us apart.

My sister has always pushed me "to do better".

Both figuratively and literally.

For example, she would PUSH me to confront my fear of heights...

by PUSHING me out of a tree.

I'm still not sure how that was supposed to help me.

And FYI, if a little girl is terrified of clowns, the WORST thing you can do is push her into a clown.

To everyone else, a clown looks like this:

To ME, a clown looks like this:

See the difference? Yeah.

In life, some people need to be PUSHED. They need that extra "motivation" before they actually act upon a thought.

Obviously, there is a ginormous difference between self-determination and motivation from an outside source.

SO, if you're the type of person who needs to be told to take action, then consider this blog post to be your PUSH. This blog post is also for myself. There are a lot of things on my mind that I need to figure out... and I hope that this will be the beginning of the end of my problems.

I know that I still have my whole life ahead of me... but this is how it starts. What I do today affects how tomorrow starts and where it goes. The present can mend the past and set up the future.

Don't waste today thinking about what you'll do tomorrow.

Tomorrow will always eventually become today.

Everyone has SOMETHING that they need to realize.

They're a difference between knowing what your dream should be and actually pursuing your dream. Just because someone has a call doesn't mean that he/she will answer it.

If you want something, GO GET IT. Don't just watch it with a heavy heart. The worst thing that you can say is nothing at all. Does that even make sense? Oh well. It doesn't matter. Life itself doesn't always make sense, but that doesn't mean that it stops or that time slows down.

And if something is simply out of your reach, then maybe it wasn't meant for you in the first place. I personally believe that God has an amazing plan for each and every person. I often wrestle with the thought of being a part of a bigger picture. I feel so blind and lost at times. I beg for light and guidance. I feel so alone and torn.

But I know that God is always here. God never said that our journeys would be easy. In face, he said quite the opposite.

Sometimes... you just love and treasure something or someone so much that you're willing to do everything to make sure that it or he/she is happy. Even if it means that you sacrifice a part of yourself. You give yourself away for the sake of something or someone else.

"If you love something, set it free. If it loves you too, it'll come back."

I both agree and disagree with this statement:

I agree in the sense that if you truly loved someone, you wouldn't try to control him/her or force him/her to act/feel a certain way.

I disagree, because if you love something with all of your heart... the LAST thing you want to do is let it go.

I agree that letting go can be a test of true feelings.

I disagree, because the perfect moment may not happen again.

Do you see this? I can't even agree with myself. That's how hard it is to define statements like this. Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion.

I can encourage you to do or choose certain things, but I can't actually choose anything for you.

The moment you decide to act in the present -- the moment you decide what to do by yourself, you have succeeded. What happens after that may vary, the the initial leap of action is the same. YOU decided. YOU chose, not anyone else. When you become free, you start to live.

One of my favorite speakers of all time said this to me (along with 500 + other girls):

"There is a saying out there that says, 'There is no time like the present.' If I could, I would change that statement to, 'There is no time but the present.' This is how we must live." - Amy Piper

I hope that you will hold this statement close to your heart like I do. I more than likely interpret this quote differently than you do. HOWEVER, it can still serve a purpose. It can still inspire you. It can mold itself to fit within your life.

I know that I'm just a teenage girl, but I'm always here for you -- no matter who you are.

This One's for the Girls...

DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a funny story. I’m sorry if you’re disappointed. I’ll be sure to post an amusing story (with pictures, of course) later. Soon.

SECOND DISCLAIMER: As previously mentioned, this post is specifically for the ladies.

Love.

Yes, it’s a word. It’s also a feeling. A killer. A life-saver. All you think about… and the LAST thing you want to think about.

Lately, it’s also been a phrase that’s been getting thrown around more and more.

So, I think I should put my thoughts about it on the internet. Because that’s totally the most subtle thing to do. Right? Right. (Wrong.)

Regardless, I’m going to address it. To a certain extent.

Just a few minutes ago, I was chatting with one of my friends on Skype. We went from talking about Hugh Jackman… to discussing the “L word”. In less than a minute. (Which is weird I know, but to be fair, she brought it up.)

She simply asked, “Oh Becky Becky! Have you ever been in love?”

I let my fingers hover over the keys for a few moments before I replied.

My answer? “Honestly?... I don’t know.”

I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. I think there are different types of infatuation and love, but I don’t think I’ve ever IN LOVE. I personally believe that true love is something that you never fall out of. Now don’t get me wrong, just because you’re in “true love” doesn’t mean that everything will work out.

Love is a privilege that you have to work at. Any single thing out there that is worth effort should take all of your energy. The more you work at it, the better it’ll seem.

I think that “love” is one of those thing that if you have to ask yourself whether you’re in it or not… you definitely aren’t. It’s one of those thing that if you’re in it… you’ll know. You know?

Girls, I know that our hearts are fragile. Even if you pretend like it isn’t.

At the same time, our hearts can take a lot more than you can imagine.

For starters, girls have the ability to watch an endless amount of chick flicks. Guys are tough, right? Sure. So, if the majority of guys out there can barely make it through a single chick flick, but we can watch as many as possible – does that make us manlier than them? …

Switching gears:

If a boy doesn’t call you back… you won’t die. Sure, the amount of ice cream in your fridge might decrease significantly – but you won’t die. I promise. (Unless you eat WAY too much ice cream. Don’t do that.)

Also, if you are single – it’s not the end of the world. Yeah, being single suck. A LOT. But the truth is, so far, all of us have spent the majority of our lives being single. You did not pop out of your mother’s womb seeking a boyfriend. NO, you popped out crying for air. And food. And other things that are ESSENTIAL for living.

If a boy breaks your heart, I have duct tape to fix it… along with two perfectly good fists to deck him in the face.

I know it’s not my place to say whether or not you have been in love. Love is a different experience for everyone.

But LOVE should be an intimate, mutual gift that is shared between two people. “Love” that is being driven only one way is not LOVE. It’s called an obsession. And will normally lead to unhealthy stalking and/or a lot of trips to the closest Redbox.

In MY opinion, love is not defined by how much something makes you smile. Or how often you think about something.

EXAMPLE:

Cake makes me smile.

My mother makes me smile.

If you’re reading this, YOU more than likely make me smile.

AND,

I think about cake a lot (because I’m a fat kid. Don’t judge me.)

I also think about my mom a lot.

And I think about YOU a lot.

BUT I’m not “in love” with any of those things. That would be wrong and gross. There are simply different levels of love and infatuation. And I think that people often mistake infatuation with true love. True love is the deepest concept that exists.

Love is not a selfish thing that only one person should get to experience. It should be something that two people build together.

So if you’re sitting here reading this and trying to figure out whether you’ve ever been in love – I don’t think you have. (I apologize if that’s out of line, but I’m not deleting it.)

True love exists when no matter what the consequences are or what other people might think, you can’t let someone go.

DON’T GET ME WRONG, I’m not talking about if a girl really, really “loves” a guy but he “just doesn’t get it” or “doesn’t realize how perfect you would be together” or “just doesn’t see it at the moment”.

That’s not love. That’s infatuation. (And can get a bit creepy.) Love should not be something that makes you have an unhealthy lifestyle. Being in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way will slowly wear you down. Love should build you up. It shouldn’t make you hate yourself or things about yourself. It shouldn’t make you wish that you were different. It should make you embrace the things about you, especially the amazing things that someone else finds wonderful. It shouldn’t make you change yourself to fit into a mold. You and your special person should create a mold together that fits everything that you two need it to hold.

And sure, things can change. Sure, this guy that consumes your mind might one day feel the same way. But until that mutual feeling is reached together, it’s not LOVE. So quit abusing the word.

I’m wrong? Fine. Go with me for a second:

Let’s say that even if he doesn’t feel the same way, you still think you’re “in love” with him and can’t possible “love” him any more than you do at that moment. BUT what would happen if he started to feel the same way about you? Then what, you fall into “double love”? No, that’s silly.

Love is not forced. It’s a choice. A commitment.

People often say that you do crazy things when you’re in love. You don’t do crazy things because you lose your sense of logic. You do crazy things when the person makes you feel emotions that you never even knew you could feel. You feel so much that you become invincible. That’s when consequences don’t seem to be so big. All those chick flick moments where they do crazy things, but it all works out? Those moments are following this concept.

Love is priceless.

When you’re in love, you can’t lose in the sense that you’re able to overcome any worldly loss.

In English, there is one word to describe this type of feeling: love.

So for me personally, I’m not going to claim that I’ve fallen in love with someone until I honestly think that I can’t feel anything more for a certain person – and that person feels the same way back.

I don’t even want to go back and count how many times I’ve typed the word “love” today. It’s ridiculous how many times a day that the poor word gets used.

This whole post is more than likely completely out of line. This is coming from a 16-year-old girl who claims that she’s never been in love. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me. In fact, I doubt that a single person out there agrees with me. This is simply my opinion. My thoughts. My feelings. My heart on the internet.

So ladies, keep smiling your beautiful smiles. And if you don’t find love, it’ll find you. If people out there can’t see how wonderful you are and appreciate you and love you, they don’t even deserve to know your first name.

Love love love,

Becky

The love of my life at the moment: